January 18, 2003

• I have thought a lot about this, and whether I should write it down here.  Here on Xanga, where you are supposed to be able to write anything because of the anonymous factor.  This place where most people don’t know you, but where over two thirds of my subscribers DO know me personally, and two of them I gave birth to.  I have for that reason usually used a self-edit button to not emotionally scar you too badly.  In this case maybe I am the one emotionally scarred.  So for right or wrong, good or bad this is how I feel and have felt.  So hang on, here it comes!

  
  

  WHEN YOUR CHILDREN AREN’T BORN PERFECT (and your jealous and hurt  for them)

  
  

        When I was in high school  all my liberated girlfriends had aspirations of college and careers.  I remember clearly Tam asking me what I wanted to do after high school.  I said I want to have kids.  I have a maternal instinct that’s been in overdrive for 3 decades.  So when I met my Bear I got really lucky.  Love and he wanted kids.  So we had two, girls.  Both born healthy.  I thought I had died and gone to heaven.  I am so IN LOVE with these three people.  This is always how it starts, LOVE!

  
  

         Every parent I know is at one time or another jealous for their kid.  They either didn’t make the squad, or they aren’t as smart as the next kid.  You always want the very best for your child, you want them to be the smartest, prettiest etc.  So when they aren’t you get over it and move on, maybe, we hope.  Though in my case and the case of my best friend (hereafter known as bf) we do occasionally give in to the urge to totally trash the other kid.  You know what I mean if you have kids.  For those who don’t it’s when you dissect all the reasons they should have chosen your kid over the other kid who is obviously not as good as your own.

  
  

       My bf has a perfect daughter. (call her K)  I don’t mean she got straight As or anything as mundane as that.  I mean cheerleader, volleyball team, homecoming princess four year in a row, popular beyond belief with everyone.  So pretty that when she had her senior portraits done two years ago, they still, to this day have a 2X4 foot picture of her hanging in the studio.  Not a snobby bone in this girls body, unless you absolutely deserve it.  She’s funny, goofy, sweet, generous and I have loved her since the day I met her when she was only three.  This is the kind of kid who invites jealousy without meaning to by just being who she is naturally.  So of course love or not, best friend or not, I have been a little jealous for my kids…I want them to have all that too.  They don’t!  In most cases they didn’t even care, but I did, it’s just the way I am.  Neither of them ever really expressed interest in sports, and if they wanted to be in the homecoming court they sure never said anything.  My oldest used to get really mad at K when they we’re in elementry school because she stole all her boyfriends.  But luckily by the time high school rolled around she quit that stuff.  To this day we, as families, remain so close that we spend Christmas together.  And a birthday wouldn’t be complete without the four of them, with the four of us.  So close in fact bf and I planned for her oldest boy, J to marry my oldest girl A.  Pipe dream there and we knew it even then.(they were really little.)

  
  

       This is where it gets touchy since both of my kids read this and I don’t want tears, hurt feelings, or omg you raided me on Xanga!! and i’m emotionally scarred and embarassed for life!!

  
  

       Enter puberty:  Maybe it would be more correct to say insanity!  BFs son and daughter and my youngest,  slid into puberty with the grace of a pack of ravening hyenas.    J, the only boy, started smoking, drinking, dating and running around with the stoners.  Not exactly sure what order that happened in.  K and my youngest E both started their periods around the same time.   So every boy in the county followed them around like they were in heat.  K immediately hooked up with a guy that I will forever call weenie boy.  I didn’t think he was good enough for her then and I haven’t changed my mind yet.  E, always the smart one of the bunch, laid low and kept her grades up.  I didn’t know it then but the kid had plans to “blow this place” as young as eleven.  The emotional ups and downs had enough energy to power a small city.  Through it all,  A, our oldest girl, had all the sign and symptoms of puberty and none of the periods.  So that was kind of cool for a while.  You know, no mess or bother,  but by 13 a nagging worry started instead.  I just couldn’t shake the thought that something wasn’t quite right  I asked the doc about it, he said I shouldn’t worry since two of my sisters and my mother had started relatively late.  two at 16 and a sis at 17.   I questioned a different doctor when she turned 15, same thing.  This time he said if she hasn’t started by 16 bring her in for an exam.  Meantime, she had pms from hell all month since it was all pre and no menstrual.  We called her Katie Kaboom because you never knew what would set her off.   Raging hormones and emotional highs and lows that a manic depressive would be proud of.  Finally 16 rolled around.  I made an appointment at the doctor,  after the exam she recommended that I take her to a gyno.   She rattled off a list of possible things that could be wrong and thought it would be wise to take a closer look.  (ya think!!!) I was so aggravated. 

  
  

       Off to a new doctor, half the women in this town go to him, he’s just that good.  He took a look and ordered an ultrasound.  Said he might have seen something on her ovaries.  So they took a look and guess what, there are lots of things on her ovaries.  cysts, big ones, little ones, and every in between one.  Among the many things told to us that day, and man there was a bunch, the one thing that sticks out in my mind is this:  SHE WILL PROBABLY NOT BE ABLE TO CONCIEVE NATURALLY.  So spread among all the instruction and an afternoon of information, my mind is whirling with the news that my daughter will likely have a very hard time getting pregnant.  In fact my daughter may not EVER get pregnant.  And while at sixteen this doesn’t bother her too badly, i’m thinking ahead to the years when it will. 

  
  

      Confession:  I cried for three days.  I cried because she wasn’t perfect anymore.  I cried because I knew something was wrong and no one would listen to me.  I cried because I was scared of all the things this could and can lead to, like diabetes, or heart attack. I cried because I wanted to take this from her and couldn’t.   Most of all I cried because I knew that someday her friends would be having babies and she, who is the most maternal of them all, wouldn’t be able to.

  
  

  FULL CIRCLE  Now here we are today, four and a half years later and once again I am jealous on behalf of my child.  K, the sweetest and most popular, is going to have a baby.  I am thrilled for K and boyfriend, I am heartbroken for my daughter.  The perfect child I held in my arms and promised to take care of forever.  I can’t protect her and I can’t kiss it and make it better.  One of her best friends is going to have what she’s been trying to have for over a year.  I don’t see it getting any easier either.  I see many friends and many babies in the future.  I see A trying month after month, and swallowing her own disappointment, so she can be happy for her friends.  I hear my daughter E and her boyfriend talking about having four kids of their own someday and know that it could be an easy reality.  That too makes me happy sad.  I cry once again for my daughter, because she was born PERFECT… wasn’t she?

  
  

      

  • 7:13 pm
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