Who am I?   And I don't mean in the philosophical sense.  I've been working on the geanology of my parents on and off for about 5 years.  I always hit a dead end in the same place.  It's like these people magically sprang into being.  If I can find a place, or date I would be thrilled.  Part of the problem is money, some places charge a fortune to look through records, like ancestry.com or rootsweb.  Some records are incomplete like the Tenessee Census records.  Another problem is most of the Southern states didn't keep state birth, marriage and death records until the early 1900's  So unless you know the county and can go there and look in person you are out of luck.  I have an Great aunt that is close to 90, in south Arkansas.  She knows a lot of names and general time periods.  That helps a lot.  When you look for someone it helps to be able to narrow it down to a few years and in one place.  It's still time consuming and many times frustrating.  and now that I have this all written out it makes me wonder why I chose this time of already frustrating events to pick up on my genealogy again.  Maybe my brain needed a distraction?  I'm in it now though.  And I will most likely keep at it for a few weeks till I just can't take the disappointment anymore.  If I could just get concrete evidence of one of my ancestors that would make it all worth while.  It's one thing to hear all the family legend and lore and it's another to have that name in front of you on a ships manifest or in a census record.  Or in the case of one great grandpa a territorial prison record,  Whoot!  A serious black sheep!  Now if I can just prove it. 

I'm a very lucky woman and I need to quit bitching and whining and be more aware of it. 

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Everyone has BS that they have to deal with, some worse than others, but I've always believed it's how you deal with it that matters.  Lately I haven't been dealing very well.  I think it's been a slow build up of over the last year.  Putting off what seems inconsequential  and then all the little stuff is still there unresolved when something major happens.  This leads to BOOM! It seems like my fuse is always a quarter inch from the all dreaded boom.  I hate it when people try to help with platitudes like "it could be worse" well duh, I know that.  Thank you for helping out so much.  All that does is highlight what I already know and make me feel worse. 

I'm completely aware of the blessings in my life. 

The encouragement that I recieve here has been more beneficial than the the "help" I've gotten offline.  While I may not have met any of you in real life, sometimes you get it so right.  Maybe its that objective distance and the need for clarity in a small space.  Maybe it's the sympathy or empathy.  Whatever it is, it's appreciated.

My family and by this I mean my two kids and Bear, are my only source of help in the real world.  I cannot depend on anyone else.  Luckily for me they forgive readily.  As in the case yesterday when I was SO BAD, to my Allie.  We went to lunch after her Glucose tolerance test, and the afternoon ended up having a small break, between insurance business.  I'm still nauseuos from the pills, but that won't kill me and I only have 5 days to go. (i'm grateful for that)  I slept! and that was best of all.  NEVER underestimate the need for sleep.  My rest had been short for three days and I attribute my better mood today to a good nights sleep last night.  ("rest")  Nothing like a fresh brain to help sort out what to do next. 

So this is what I have on tap for today:

1. 
   
   fax police report to insurance comp.
   
   
2. 
   
   get doctor app to look at dads neck and chest.
   
   
3. 
   
   confirm test results from Allies glucose tolerance test yesterday
   
   
4. 
   
   speak with attorney at 4
   
   
5. 
   
   Meet insurance adjuster at 5
   
   
6. 
   
   ignore alcholic sister.
   
   
7. 
   
   call the two unalcholic ones with update.

and finally sometime today trade my car for my jeep with dad.  (I would rather drive the car)  Busy again!  Definetly better able to deal with it. 

Black!

 Do you ever look through all the little emoticons offered and think, I could pick confused, WTF, bitter, angry, bummed, whatevah, stunned ,shocked, surprised, clueless and last but not least  which is censored of course.  Black moods are not a new thing for me but this week is turning out to be a doozy.  I'm on 1000mg of antibiotics, twice a day which I can't take with food, so I'm nauseous all the time.  I have been on the phone with the police and two different insurance companies trying to get the wreck settled. (did I mention my dad was driving my truck)  Bear has to leave at 3:30 a.m. so I'm losing my only support in all this and to top it all off with whipped cream and cherries, I got in a blow up with Allie when she needed me most. (what a heel)  I'm going to go buy some flowers now and take them to my daughter and apologize.  Any insurance agents or otherwise is just going to have to leave a message or go screw with someone else. 

eye doctors and other things.

Yesterday I had a eye app.  My eyes are crappy,  lately driving at night, road signs are getting a little blurry.  I've worn glasses since 7th grade so by now I know when I need a new prescription.  It doesn't take a genius if you know what I mean.  Anyway, Bear went with me since my eyes would be dilated and I wouldn't be able to see clearly to drive home.  While I was in the waiting room (waiting, duh!) for the drops to completely dilate my pupils a lady came in and told everyone there was a pretty bad car accident on Hwy 65.  Cops, ambulances everything.  So everyone in the waiting room, including the receptionest, starts discussing how bad and how many accidents are happening on hwy 65.  There are two spots in town that have accidents every couple of weeks and that's alot for a town that only has a population of just over 2000.  They are always in the same two places and everyone it seems has a solution, but until my moms bad accident last summer nothing was done. (I went to the mayor, the editor of the paper, the chief of police and the district manager of wal-mart and had the left turn lane closed coming out of Wal-Mart.  Now you have to go to the stop light.  That alone cut the accidents in half.)  So we did what everyone does, all of the patients sat in the waiting room and fixed all the traffic problems, easy as pie.  It only took a few minutes and we had  accomplished what the city government hasn't been able to do for years.  Damn, we're just that good.  I got my new prescription and Barry and I left.  Now by this time my pupils are so dilated there is barely any iris showing at all.  I look like my eyes are totally black instead of brown and I can't see because the light hurts my eyes so bad I have to either keep them closed or squint.  No biggy though, Barry and I plan on going home and "napping" for a couple of hours and by then it will have worn off.  Good plan huh!   We get home, I'm heading for the bedroom and Barry says are you going to check the messages. Sure, no prob.  IT'S THE HOSPITOL!  MY DAD WAS IN THE ACCIDENT!  I was freaking out, he is after all 82.  Then they let me talk to him and he sounded great, just irritated that the paramedics made him go to the emergency room.  We rushed up to the hospitol and sure enough he was fine.  They did precautionary x-rays and blood work to make sure his heart wasn't bruised from the seat belt and then several hours later released him.  I, however had the damn eye dilation thing going on, the entire hospitol is lit up like a stadium night game and by the time we left I not only had the headache from hell, I was nauseuos as well.  My nerves were shot cause dad can really be a pill when he isn't happy, and I still have to think about all the bullshit I'm going to have to go thru in the next few weeks dealing with the insurance company, bank, etc.  Not to mention dad is without a vehicle and is going to drive me crazy.  The good thing, if there is one, the accident was not his fault.  Apparently he was next to a semi in the inside lane of the hwy, the truck was in the outside lane.  The car that caused the accident made a right turn in front of the semi thinking that no-one was in the inside lane and he could slip over quick enough.  The semi slammed on his brakes barely missing the car.  My dad didn't have time to stop since it popped out right in front of him with no warning.  Luckily the woman driving the car wasn't hurt to badly either.  I guess now I have to go pick up the accident report and start the next phase of stress.  Whoopee!   AND Thank God it wasn't worse.  And how was your day? 

signed, thank the lord I'm not planning a funeral and can I have my boring life back!

Scrabble© Score is: 16

 Happy Birthday

to

 Goose! 

(linked, so go by and say Hi!)

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I haven't fallen off the face of the planet, I'm just busy, busy.  I spent 10 days going to five different states and as soon as I got home all manner of things popped up for me to deal with.  All of the mundane un-bloggable variety.  The one thing I really wanted to get a picture of is the sign in Austin, Minnesota that says SPAM CITY.  They even have a Spam museum though I had to miss out on that little gem.  Did you know Hawaii eats more Spam than any other state in the union. 

On the way home from our little trip I got a speeding ticket.  The guy was so rude to me that I got furious and told him off.  Barry said he was sure I was going to be arrested, and he'd have to bail me out.  How sweet, I have someone to bail me out of jail.  Anyway, the cop goes back to the squad car, writes the ticket and then apologizes to me for being rude.  So I apologized too.  To me there is no call for rudeness of any kind, I don't give a shit if your having a bad day.  Don't take it out on me, I can give as good as it gets.  I did really appreciate the apology and I told him so, so now I have my first ticket since the 1970's.  I may never live it down.   Oh, I almost forgot, the van ahead of me had no tail-lights and it was dark and foggy.  I guess you make more off a speeding ticket than an invisible death trap.  Onward and upwards eh?  

I did finally get to see "Return of the King" and "Pirates of the Caribbean"  loved them both.  I may have been later than most in seeing them but better than never.  Both will be bought.  I'm a sucker for watching my favorite movies over and over.

Bear got to change to a day shift, it's almost as screwy as his night shift was.  He works three 12's and one 6.  Friday thru Monday.   No weekend dates for us in over 8 months.  Sure makes it hard to plan get togethers since all our friends work Mon. thru Fri. like normal people.  But then truth told no-one ever said we were normal.  I've heard weird, dorks, crazy, even irritating and annoying but I can't remember normal.  I blame all the teenagers I know and hang-out with.  Bear is really tired of the job and I expect a new one soon.  It wouldn't be so bad if he worked a straight 40 but most of the time he works 50 or more hours a week and that's really hard when you drive an hour and a half just to get there. 

I'll try and catch up with everyone.  Hope you all had a great new year celebration.

indie  

The spam city above is a link! LOL!

Merry Christmas!

Here it is, the day every kid under 90 waits for.  I truly hope that you are able to be with friends or family and have a wonderful holiday.  Everyone here is still dreaming, so I have been able to get my pumpkin pies in the oven, and decided to spend a minute with my VR friends and family.  I have a warm, contented feeling in my heart.  My family is together and healthy.  The three people that mean the world to me are under this roof.  That is more than many have, and I'm grateful.  We may be short on presents this year but we're long on love and affection.  I'll take that trade any day.    For my dad and the kids, I'm going to cook a turkey, that alone will make Christmas uncancelled.  How can Christmas be cancelled when I'm baking pumpkin pies and making turkey with cornbread dressing.  I make a mean home made cranberry sauce too.  Bear and I didn't buy presents, but the kids know why and they also know that we love them endlessly.  At 19 and 21 they can handle not getting the latest gadget or piece of clothing.  So life is good.  It may not always be what we want or expect, but that's what makes it interesting.  From our house to yours.  Merry Christmas and many blessing in the new year.  indie

Christmas is canceled!

Okay, maybe not everywhere, just here in this house.  I've tried, I really have, but it just ain't happening!  The combination of low enthusiasm, virtually no money, an m.i.a. hubby and no time left to get it together has won out over the usual Christmas festivities.  I kept waiting day after day for something.  A spark, a glimmer, an iota of of cheer, NOTHING!  I have bought exactly one thing, some yu-gi-oh cards for my god-daughters older bro.  (She's prob. going to get the only other thing I buy.)  After Christmas, Bear and I are paying off the last of Allies' <(this tells some of the story)  $300.00 doc bill, so that is her present as crappy as it is, and the platypus gets zip, nada, nothing.  I'm blank, absolutely blank.  I still haven't got the tree or decorations up and my house is usually covered in lights that I put up myself.  The inside is trimmed with yards and yards of garland and beautiful bows.  I have the requisite nativity that I bought when the girls were babies.  Christmas candy dishes, candle holders, stockings, you name it we've got it.  Most of it is still in the attic.  My dad and the platypus were in Wal-Mart (evil) and saw a 3 foot fiber optic tree for $9.50 and bought it for me.  So we do have that.  She also wrapped the presents that she brought home from school for everyone.  Shoot, if it weren't for Allie and the platypus there wouldn't be anything out at all, but they did good by me and drug down some stuff.  So now what? 

Tonight we all go to Little Rock for the company Christmas party.  Will that put me in the mood?  I doubt it too, I think it may be to late.  To me Christmas excitement comes not from the gifts that you get, but from all the attendant ceremonies that happen the month before.  The decorating, music, general good cheer.  The parties, cards being sent and recieved, the special cooking and baking.  I love to buy for my friends and family, finding that special something that says this is for her. (or him)  My one shopping trip this month and I didn't even buy anything.  I had a better time watching all the people and just looking around.  Spending all day with the kids and their friends was all the good time I needed or wanted.  So here we are.  I don't know why the usual just isn't cutting it this year.  The only thing I can think of doing is to keep going through the motions,  maybe if I smile big and bright enough it will start to feel real.  I guess the next few days will tell.  I'll keep you posted, and I sure hope I'm the last grinch you read today. 

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Yes, it's 3:20 AM.  I've had my shower and first cup of coffee.  Pretty soon Zetta, Em and I will be on our way to Childrens Hospitol in Little Rock.  Time for my God-daughters surgery.  She turned 7 months old yesterday.  She is having her kidney reflux procedure today, and I have faith that everything will be okay.  Time to pray, for the doctors and the baby.  We check in at 5:30 and the surgery starts at 7:00.  So  keep us in your thoughts today and when we get back I will let you know how things went.

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Update   Everything went smooth as silk and satin.  She's sleeping the kind of sleep only the very innocent can seem to manage.  Thank you for sending all the good vibes.  We sure appreciate it. 

 *  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *

Much to my stunned, surprise, the plan went off without a hitch.  We got clear to Fayetteville before the first snowflake fell.  Then it came down with a vengeance.  So we went to the store before it got too bad and bought massive amounts of junk food and some games.  We got Phase Ten, Yahtzee, Uno, and Blurt.  Then, even though the platypus  had a final in Geology we stayed up until 1:30 am playing.   You can never go wrong playing a game with Timah.  The platypus has a winner there and I'm not kidding.  He's not just a sweet guy, he funnier than anyone I know. (usually unintentionally.)  Of course like most guys he over-thinks things but since I'm the future MIL in this relationship I'll keep that little nugget to myself.  Let them figure it out.

The platupi took her test at 8 am.  So we achieved freedom rather quickly.   (Her professor gave 3 tests and the final.  If you were happy with your grade you didn't have to take the final, if you took it, he threw out the lowest of the four tests.  That's what I call a win/win situation.   She figures she got a B.)   When she got back we went out for breakfast.  It was wunderbar! I love breakfast, it is by far my favorite meal of the day, maybe because I don't have conventional breakfasts.  I figure, if it's food, you can eat it for any meal, breakfast included.  (This time it really was breakfast food.)  Mexican breakfast, but breakfast all the same.  A chorizo omelet with jalapeno's, tortillas,with refried beans and a really good tomatillo sauce, all of it topped off with sliced fresh fruit.  Not bad eh?

TIME TO HIT THE MALL!   

Unfortunately Tim didn't get to go to the mall with us.  Which is to bad, he has some pretty astute observations on human behavior, not to mention  Zetta, Steph, Emmie, Allie and I went, so he would have been totally surrounded by females.  And that friends, is a recipe for hilarity. The mall at Christmas is a sight to behold isn't it?  Everything is so beautiful.  None of us had a whole lot of money so we hit a lot of stores looking for bargains.   My two favorite bargains were free.  When our arms got to full to be comfortable I suggested we take the stuff and put it in the trunk of the car, the snowball fight happened on the way back into the mall.  I think Allie started it, (she's always been an instigator) but the platypus finished it.  (she takes no prisoners)  Watching them go at it, hearing the laughter, reminds me of when they were tiny and would fight.  I told them, you will always and forever be sisters.  And sisters stick by each other no matter what or who tries to come between you, because it's a bond that should never be betrayed or broken.  Then there will be one person in the world you can ALWAYS count on.  The snowball fight was a draw,  panting, covered in snow, red cheeked with cold, we laughingly made our way back into the mall.  The sisters, arm in arm.

 My second bargain of the day came as we were leaving.  There was a grand piano set up in the food court, an old, old man was playing Christmas music.  I stopped to listen.  Just then a little girl dressed in her Christmas clothes came up with her mother.  The mom explained that she knew how to play 'O Come All Ye Faithful  and could she play it.  He said yes, and she started to play, then oh so softly he started to accompany her playing, by the time they were done she was beaming!  We all clapped for her and grinning from ear to ear they went back to their table and the old man played solo again.   

What a day!  While there was frantic shopping going on all around me, I ended up leaving the mall without buying one single thing, and two bargains that no amount of money could buy.  Isn't that what Christmas is supposed to be about?

I missed everyone while I was gone, I'll try to catch up!  But please forgive me if I don't get to you, or missed a post you were particularly proud of, believe me it wasn't  intentional.  Hope you had a good day. 

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