Aunt Pearl has died.

More later on how much I hate cancer. 

Isn’t it funny how even in the grimmest, saddest situations you can still laugh through your tears.  I got the funniest email from my aunt and then my Aunt Annie, called me at 5 a.m. in the morning and Pearl had died.  We all are laughing and crying, mostly crying.  There will be no more funy emails or pearls of wisdom from my lovely, vibrant Aunt Pearl.

Today is also the day that we are planting Cassie’s memorial tree.  I don’t think I ever mentioned it but Cassie was an avid gardener and could grow anything, we are planting a Maple in the center of her garden this afternoon.  She also told me, right before she passed, that she had several Navajo Willow cuttings for me and she was going to plant them in my front yard  Next Spring her husband Pete, and Bear and I are going to do that for her.  Cassie’s maiden name meant Willow by the water so I find it very appropriate.

I read the lovely comments that so many of you took the time to leave to both Cassie’s daughter and Pete, they said to say thank you for your thoughts and prayers.  I also would like to thank you all…… for thinking of me and mine during these hard days.  I see an end to this sadness and your prayers and good thoughts help me remember the joy I still have in my life.  You make me remember the good times and the good memories instead of focusing on the bad, thanks guys your the best. 

Things have been so hectic here that this is the first time I have been able to get anywhere near a computer since Cassie died.  I really appreciate all your thoughts and prayers and it warms my heart to know that you all care and took time to come by an express your sympathies to me and Cassie’s family.  I will be just as scarce for the next 4 or 5 days so I wanted to take the time now to let you all know how much it meant to me that you thought of us.   Xanga has some really amazing people and I’m proud to be your friend.  At this rate I will be back in Germany before things settle down and by then I will wondering what the heck happened, that’s how fast everything seems to be moving.  Hopefully my honey and I will be able to relax for a couple of days before we go back and he has to start the daily grind again.  However, I believe that things happened the way they did for a reason and I believe Cassie wanted me here to be a buffer between her mom and Pete, her husband. (And Kat, Cassie’s daughter who was her mom’s executrix.)  Her mom, S. has quite a personality and for some reason takes to me like a duck takes to water, so I was able to provide a voice she would listen to when she wouldn’t listen to them. (Even when I wasn’t agreeing with her, which happened frequently.)  I could feel Cassie so strongly that first few days, it gave me strength and it helped me tremendously because I was honestly able to say she’s right here.  That’s the first time that’s ever happened to me, it was very odd.  I didn’t grieve the way I thought I would because I could feel her energy coursing through me.  Over the last few days it has started to slowly pull away but I had her there to help me with the rough parts.  I know that sounds crazy, but she really was helping to make sure I did and said the right things to make her memorial what she wanted.  When I get home I’ll write more about that.

I will also slowly but surely get up to date and I will come by your sites to personally thank you again for your thoughts and prayers.  I believe in prayer and I think all of yours has helped get us through this death.  You guys are the best.

Cassie died today at 12:30.  She was at home surrounded by those she loved, she went quickly without a struggle.
I wanted to tell all of you how much I appreciate your support and prayers.  As sad as I am right now I’m still so very grateful that I was able to hug her and tell her how much she has meant to me over the years, I wouldn’t trade that for anything.  I can’t write anymore now and I’m sure you all understand why. 

Well for about three weeks anyway.

I’ve got all my packing done, the truth is I have a suitcase full of stuff…..so I’m saying I’m done. 

Knowing me I packed stuff I won’t need or want and leave home stuff I will both want and need. Que sera, sera.

Wish me luck and if Delta has a plane go down tomorrow know that I tucked my tail and kissed my….nah, who am I kidding?  If that plane goes down I’m going down screaming prayers for God to save me please. However not one single thing is going to go wrong and tomorrow at this time I will be safely ensconced in my friends house chatting away.

I want to pack for my trip home.

Since I’m not leaving for 6 days it might be a bit premature, so maybe I’ll make a list of stuff to pack instead. This whole thing is making me a nervous wreck. I’m never buying tickets that far in advance again, it gives me way to much time to imagine all the things that can go wrong. 

I guess it would feel different if I was going to be able to go home. As in I’m going home to my house and I’m staying every night at my house, I’m not, I can’t stay at my house.  There’s no water or electricity and there’s no wood to heat the place.  I’m staying at a series of relatives and friends houses and I don’t care how much you love them or how much they love you, it is impossible to feel completely at home in someone elses house.  Especially for three weeks.   Sure it will be great to visit everyone and I don’t anticipate problems but I don’t see myself ever fully relaxing the way you do when your in your own home.  (or bed)

What do you think? Do you feel fully relaxed when your not sleeping/living at home? Does your staying with relatives and good friends make the difference?  I would really like different opinions on this, maybe I’m just not looking at it from the right perspective.

Quick update on my aunt and neighbor for those interested.  If not skip the next short paragraph and move on to the Fall travel report  

Cassie is back in the hospital. The radiation treatment really did a number on her. I don’t know when they are going to release her but they will. She’s still fighting her cancer with all available treatment options and I support her decision.  Aunt Pearl also took a nose dive this past week. All the brothers and sisters went back to Oregon and she promptly rallied, ha! I told mom that they need to just stay there and she’ll live forever. She is not taking any treatments at all and I support her decision.  This is all my emotions can handle as far as updates, I thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers on our behalf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~We now end this medical update~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We went to Michelstadt on Sunday. They had their annual stitching fair, I guess the closest equalavent we would have is a textile fair.  Besides getting to see the various booths just being in Michelstadt is a treat.  Michelstadt is in the middle of the Odenwald which is what you would call a national forest. It is also home to a 15th century town hall that is unique even to Germany.  This is our third visit to Michelstadt and we always enjoy driving through the forest and walking around the historic district.

This is the front and back of the Altes Rathaus or old city hall.  It was built in 1484 but they don’t know who the architect was. What they do know is that it is the only one of its kind in Germany.  The oak supports for the building are just massive.  The open hall at ground level was used at one time for court. This preserved the old tradition of holding meetings in the open air under a tree.  

The first floor was sort of an all purpose room. It’s at one time or another been used as a church, hospital, council chamber, classroom and polling station as well as a place to hold civil marriage ceremonies.

The next floor was an open loft and at one time held the tithes that towns people paid to the city. So it was basically a storage depot.

These were the only two people we saw dressed in period costume.  They were doing demonstrations of dying and printing hand woven cotton fabric using techniques from the middle ages.  You can see how bright and pretty the fabric turns out.  This is another case of, I would love to own some, but what in the world would I do with it once it was mine?

The huge textile press in the back of the third photo is from the 16th century and is a permanent exhibit not just for the stitchenlein.

I don’t know if you can see in these pictures how big the supports for this building are but they are at least three feet in diameter.

We saw quilting, embroider, lace making, weaving, spinning, tatting, knitting, crocheting, hand sewing, machine sewing,

if you could imagine it in cloth it was here.

There was also every type of thing for sale, including some really neat gadgets that made me want to take up all sorts of new hobbies. I resisted.

Barry was thrilled by my fortitude.

I did buy my mom some quilting thread that was awesome. It’s a rainbow thread that she can use for stippling.

The first picture is a detail of one of the stained glass windows in the church. which is right behind the old city hall. I love the old medieval churches.  This church is an odd mix of old and new.

For instance it still has old 15th century alabaster crypts and it has the old 17th century organ but the pews are really just chairs. They look like they are from the 1970 or 80s.

I don’t know if the stained glass windows are original or not. I know that Michelstadt escaped the bombings in WWII as it wasn’t very important militarily and it wasn’t big enough to be bombed to break morale.  Sometimes it’s really hard to tell what has been reconstructed and what is original because they did such an excellent job of reconstruction and they don’t always label something as being a reproduction of the original.  But since it wasn’t ever bombed I’m guessing they’re original 15th century stained glass, which makes them all the more remarkable.

The second picture is across the square from town hall. The building on the right was the forge from 1562 to 1803.   The building on the left was originally built in 1551 and was a pharmacy until sometime in the thirty years war.  (1618-48)

The fountain in the center was a gift to the city from Count George II in 1575.  It was an important source of water for the people for hundreds of years.  At the top is St. Michel which is not a reference to the name of the city. St Michel is the patron saint of the town but the name of the city is from an old high German word and actually means large. 

I’ve been trying to blog about our day trip to Cologne since Sunday and look still nothing. I’m moody but not blog moody if you know what I mean?

Le sigh….how about a couple pictures instead?

Cologne Cathedral has two world records to the present day.

It has the tallest paired spires in the world,

and it has the heaviest free hanging bell in the world.

The 24 ton Three Kings Bell.

Finished in 1880, for a few bright shining years it was the tallest building in the world.  (515 ft or 157m)

Then along came Washingtons Monument which finished in 1884 though it wasn’t officially opened to the public until 1888. (555 ft. or 169 m)  

Mr. Eiffels’ Tower in Paris opened the very next year and took top prize in height for many years.(1889)

At the roof the Eiffel Tower is 986 ft or 300m with the antenna added 1,063 ft. or 324m

Girls just want to have fun….in this case in the cathedral fountain!

And the best dressed Goth duo of the day, I just wish it weren’t blurry.

That’s the main train station for Cologne in the background which is directly across from the cathedral, handy.

The Heinzelmannchen.

This is the fairytale story of the pucklike beings that did all the work for the people of Cologne,

 that is until the tailors wife came downstairs to spy on them and was caught.

They disappeared never to be seen again. 

Wouldn’t you be absolutely furious with her?

This last one is the Kallendresser, he’s letting the grandees assembled at city hall across the street know what he really thinks!

I was wondering if someone could tell me why the whoppers are angry and are they angry everywhere or are only German whoppers angry?

okay, on with todays’ nonsense.

Last Sunday we took our first drive to look at the fall colors.  I feel officially older than dirt, we actually took a “drive” and it was on Sunday.  So next time your screaming at the car in front of you for being Sunday drivers think of me.  The trees and even some of the grapevines have started turning but we agreed we need to wait a couple of weeks for it to be full blown, knock your socks off color.   Our real motive for taking this little jaunt was to see how far Idar-Oberstein is from home.  Idar-Oberstein is home to the gem cutters center of Germany and at one time had working mineral mines of jasper, agate, amethyst, smoky quartz, etc.  It’s pretty much played out now and the local gem cutters get their rock mostly from Brazil.  On Mon. thru Fri. you can go out to the mine fields and dig around, though in all fairness they tell you up front that they “salt” the minefield.  In other words they put the rock there for you to find, still might be fun though.   

The one thing we didn’t expect was the church. It was awesome! I don’t know if you can tell but it’s built into the side of the mountain.  We’ve decided to wait and go back next Spring and climb up to the church and castle on Sunday and go to the mine and the gem museum on Mon. There are plenty of three day weekend in the early part of the year  and that way we can just spend the night and not feel rushed.

We left there amazed that one town can support so many rock shops. There were literally over a dozen just on the main shopping road. It was really nice that they were all open and actually quite surprising, in Germany most places are closed on Sunday. They take their day of rest seriously. 

When we left we headed over to the Rammstein airbase and ate at Chilis. Now before everyone hollers at me for not eating the absolutely delicious German food try to remember we get paid in dollars and right now the exchange rate is at an all time low of 1.45 to 1 euro. So between that and the high vat tax we try to not spend a lot in euro if we can get away with going onto an army post or air force base. Believe me I would much rather have the local food and atmosphere but our less than 40 dollar meal would have cost us half as much again.  So we take advantage of having the privilege of using military facilities. 

This is in the Hunsruck Mtns.  In far western Germany, almost to the Luxembourg border.  It’s just gorgeous and Zhenai I promise that one day I will go to an ugly place and take pictures to prove that they do exist here. It’s just so much pleasurable to see charming pretty places.

One more shot of a very pretty almost fully changed hillside.

We are so lucky, we may put up with a lot of junk but on the whole we are really very lucky to be where we are at this stage of our lives. 

We have what I consider a really good international phone plan.  We pick any three countries in the world and we can call any land line in that country for 2.9 cents a minute. Not bad eh? However, if we call a cell phone its .29 cents a minute, so we really try to avoid cell phones.   I try not to get to crazy regardless of the good price, especially with the bad exchange rate but yesterday turned into ”reach out and touch someone” day.

I called my mama first but didn’t get an answer.

So next was my best friend from 7th grade.   T and I met the second day our family moved into town and we became so close that people thought we were sisters.  We’ve never lost touch and we are still each others biggest supporter thru thick and thin.  We haven’t seen each other since her and her daughters drove from Tennessee to my youngest daughters wedding which was 06/05/04 making it a date even mom can remember without to much trouble.  When she found out I’m heading home in Oct for a visit she immediately started planning on taking a Friday off from school and driving over to see me for a weekend.  She’s a third grade teacher and she adores her students so I feel special that she’s contemplating turning “her” kids over to a sub just so we can stay up all night laughing and talking. (Funny how teachers get about their kids)

Then I tried to call Cassie. She’s my neighbor with cancer. No answer, I felt a bit of panic but calmed myself down because there’s all kinds of reasons the phone might not be answered. So I reasoned with myself and figured I’d just keep trying and not worry. Though I have to be honest and admit that when my mom didn’t answer her phone I wasn’t worried, I was irritated. That shows the difference in my thinking when someone is terminal. Moms’ NOT sick so it’s “answer the phone mom”, Cassie is, so it’s “Oh God please, I hope everything is okay”.

Next up mom, again.  She answered and we had a really great visit. She’s planning on loading up her car and driving to see us too.  With flight time, layovers, and driving time from airport to home we’ll be traveling about 20 hours which coincidentally is about how long it will take my 77 year old mom to drive from Arizona to Arkansas.    It’s a little over 1300 miles from her house to ours and while I wish she would fly she doesn’t want to leave her puppies.  Darn stubborn old lady. She did say she was breaking it up into two days of travel so that’s good.

The next call was to my Aunt Pearl, she called us when mom was up in Oregon a couple of weeks ago and I got to talk to all three of the crazy sisters. At the time she was having several “good” days in a row and you could tell and we had a really wonderful visit.  So I figured I better call her since mom said that she only has a couple of weeks to a couple of months left on this Earth.  Uncle Ernie told me she was asleep but he said if she woke up and found out I had called and he didn’t wake her up she’d kill him.  She wasn’t having a good day but she was so happy that I had called. She said that her pain meds are keeping her out of pain and that the process of dying was boring. I asked her why her kids weren’t there to read to her or watch T.V. with her and she said she didn’t want to bother them. I don’t know my Oregon cousins well but let me tell you if my mama had terminal stomach cancer they would have to pry me from her side with a crowbar.  But I don’t walk in their shoes so maybe they are doing exactly as much as they are able, emotionally and physically.  Also I know that the meds are messing with her at least some because she told me she hadn’t talked to my mama since she left and I had just talked to mom and she told me she calls at least every third day, so maybe Aunt Pearl doesn’t remember.   We didn’t cry as much this time so maybe we are both getting more used to the idea that everytime we talk it might be the last time.  The hardest was when she asked if we were coming to Oregon. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that while we are coming home to Arkansas there’s no way we can also fly out to Oregon too.

Here’s a question for you. What would you say if every single time you talked to someone it could be the last time?  I’ll call her again next Sat. and that conversation could once again be our last. Or there’s a possibility that last nights conversation was our last, because the truth is she’s on borrowed time.

I tried Cassie again.  I was in the process of leaving a message on their answering machine when Pete picked up. They were outside and hadn’t heard the phone.  Pete gave me the latest prognosis. She has two separate types of cancer and while treating the cancer in her glands the more agressive tumor in her lung grew from 3cm to 9cm and the biggest tumor in her groin grew from 2 cm to 7cm. she was given a few weeks to a few months. (Deja Vu)  I choked down the lump in my throat and when Pete gave the phone to her she was sitting in the sunshine of an early fall day with her daughter Kit Kat and enjoying a beautiful day. She was having a great day despite Fridays bad news and we talked for over a half hour.  I again asked her if she wanted me to come home early and again she said she would wait for me.  She doesn’t want either of us to see or hear her like she is now but she told me these three years without us was all she could handle and she wanted to see us one more time before she went. We’ve known each other for 15 years and one way or another we will handle it and we will give our dear, dear friend and neighbor what she wants. We’ve been thru so much with each other and it just  hurts that one of the most generous and kind people I know has to go this way.  (Last week the call was not as energetic or pain free)

Now you might think that after talking to my Aunt Pearl and Cassie I was really down and depressed but I’m just so grateful every single time I get to talk to them and tell them how much they have meant to me. I try to tell each of them a new thing that I remember that they did or said that touched my life or changed me in a positive way. I try to mail both of them a little card each week so that they know I really am thinking about them and really do care.  I try to make them laugh with some goofy thing we did together or in Aunt Pearls’ case, caught me doing as a child.  I try to bring a little bit of positive into this horribly negative situation.  And above all I try to keep in the fore front of my brain that this isn’t about me and I need to be strong for these strong women. They aren’t dead yet and it would be foolish and demean them both if all I focus on was their imminant demise instead of the life they still have to live.  So while I do cry, I’m sad and that can’t be helped, I also try to not taint my remaining time with them. So I don’t try to make false futures of good times, I try to help both of them remember all the people they have helped and touched over the years. Especially easy in these two cases since Cassie was an emergency room nurse and has helped to save countless lives over the years and so has literally affected thousands of lives. And my aunt Pearl had an open door policy at her home and kept countless people off the streets because of her generous nature. I try to not let them forget when they feel as though they are alone that they aren’t and we are supporting them as much as we are able.

To answer my own question…..

What would you say to someone if every single time you talked to someone it could be the last time? Here’s my answer.

I Love You.

all links in blue

randumbassness in black

Not being content to wash my husbands’ ballpoint pen and outrageously priced tiny flashlight, this week I went for broke and washed his wallet.  The part that’s really bad is I checked all his pockets….2 in the front and 2 in the back.  I missed the pocket halfway down the thigh on the left side.    Normally he empties his pockets himself, this after I ruined his $20. penlight that he needs to get in the nooks and crannies of a C-21. I felt so bad about that one that I gave him mine.  In all fairness to the maker of the $20. penlight it did last thru 3 or 4 washes.  The wallet however is ruined after wash number one.  You know how leather gets gummy when it’s wet for a long time….yeah, it does and my washer is one of those little bitty hardcore European machines so this wallet is clean, clean and completely ruined.  Everything is kind of warped looking.  The only thing inside that got ruined enough to really worry about was his Euro, it came out almost dyed looking and with the exchange rate being what it is we are taking it to the bank pronto.  To give everyone an idea of the exchange rate, right now one Euro will buy $1.49 in American, give or take a penny on any given day.   So for example you rent a hotel room for a romantic night away from home. The hotel cost 80 Euro, in dollar terms that’s about $115.  $35 more. That’s not even adding in the fees that the bank charges to do the exchange.  (This exchange rate is at our bank, a bank in the states or another country might give you a different rate and charge different fees. Also it changes on a daily basis, literally.)

We get paid in dollars we pay our rent in Euro…ouch.  I now solemnly promise to double check ALL pockets even though he also promised the same thing.

I can’t focus. I’m pretty sure that’s why everything is getting done half-assed.  Patty Loveless had this great song a few years ago, “I Try To Think About Elvis.” and even though in the song she’s trying to avoid thinking about a guy, this song fits me perfectly. I just can’t concentrate. Actually I’m not really sure what I should be concentrating on, so that might be part of the problem.  “

C’mon Liz, get it together….” 

It is now official, I’m flying home on Oct. 24 and Barry flies in on Nov. 3 we fly back home (Germany) on Nov. 17. For Barry this will be his first trip back to the states in over three years. For me 13 months.  We are excited.  (That’s a mild understatement)  While I’m there for the 10 days he isn’t, I’m going to try and get our house completely emptied out and ALL the rest of our stuff put into storage.  I’m going to be a packing machine. After all I might as well put to good use all the experience I’ve had over the last three years and 5 moves.  We meet with our contractor/builder when Bear gets there and then the house renovation begins.  New floors inside and new central heat and air, new siding outside, just to start.  Our builder happens to be a family friend who has already worked on our house before, so we know each other really well.  He and Barry tore the roof off the vaulted ceiling, they raised it 4 feet and changed the pitch.  Now we have a loft/library and another bedroom up there.  For about 2 weeks during that period we had no roof over the middle part of the house and every day I prayed it wouldn’t rain.  Arkansas in August so naturally it didn’t…much.  (When they finally got the roof back on it seemed closed in, it didn’t take long to get used to all that openness.) I’ll take pictures of the house while I’m home and that might clear up any confusion, lol.

We went to the Lamplighter’s Bazaar on Saturday out at the post.  They had two aircraft hangars filled with vendors from all over the area. crystal, rugs, wine, handmade French soaps, Belgium chocolate, Pottery, paintings, antique furniture etc, etc.  Some of it was priced outrageously. For instance the Kaefer Porzellanhaus, a kitchen speciality store, was there from Sohren.  Lisa had driven me up there when we still lived in Lampertheim and I bought a set of Marc Aurel crystal glasses and 2 sets of WMF speciality spoons.(egg and ice cream)  At the store I paid about 12 dollars per set of 6 spoons, at the bazaar the same spoons were 21.95.  I really feel bad for anyone who bought knives or spoons at their booth.(edit: okay, not feeling near as bad as I did, I looked online and these spoons are high priced, I found 2 spoons for 11.95 online and that was about all I found, this proves out the old adage about going to the source.)   I was going to replace the water glass Barry had broken but we changed our minds when we realized we could just drive over there and pay half price and have a nice drive as a bonus.   (Mmm, retail therapy) Also at the store they take VAT forms so we don’t have to pay the almost 20% value added tax and they speak English so well that your not embarrassed to be speaking your broken German.  (Yes, my German is still broken.)  They have Villeroy and Boch caffe sets that make me happy to see them, they are funky and colorful, but I doubt I’ll ever pony up the money to get them. We drink our coffee out of plain ol’ mugs and in 25 years we’ve never needed a little plate or fancy cup and spoon, so since they would run about $30. per plate and cup I think I can do without that particular bit of cheerfulness. 

I hope no one was waiting for me to get to a point, any point…..in case you haven’t figured it out yet this blog is pointless.  Concentrate people! Keep up here!