Has everyone heard of Locks of Love?  It’s a charity with a unique mission. This is from their own mission statement.  

return a sense of self, confidence and normalcy to children suffering from hair loss by utilizing donated ponytails to provide the highest quality hair prosthetics to financially disadvantaged children.

I have donated hair to this charity twice before, this third time I have before and after pictures.

Of course when Allison took this pictures I don’t think she thought it would be the last one of my long hair. At least the last one for a few years.  She was just taking a picture of the ruined church.

I love the church by the way.

I don’t know if I can explain this or not but until I cut my hair my grief was choking me.  Daily. 

I cut it off when I cut my hair.  I don’t know why it helps but it does.  It’s as if with every snip of the scissors my heart feels lighter, like the pain is being cut.  I’m not explaining this well at all but believe me when I tell you it’s the only time my Native American ancestry comes to the fore.  When my brother in law died and I grieved and mourned for months and could not seem to move on….I cut my hair. That was the second time I donated to Locks of love.  The first time was just a haircut, even though the foot I cut off is longer than most people allow their hair to get. In total I have given them about 40 inches or 101cm, give or take an inch or 2.  This time I didn’t really even know what I was doing, it was as if it was weighing me down and I would never get this burden lifted. I was sick to death of the weight of the whole thing,  I was just so sad all the time. Crying almost nightly for Aunt Pearl or Cassie or my Uncle Sherman.  It was the most awful six months ever.  I just couldn’t move past any of it and that’s part of the reason I have been so scarce this last few months.  I mean who really wants to read one depressing post after another.  Now Uncle Ray has died too.  So in 8 months I have lost 4 people who meant the world to me.  I cut my hair a week or so before Uncle Ray died and when I did I let him go too.  His death has by far been easier for me than the others. Part of that is because he asked us to pray for God to take him, he was ready and I believed him.  Part of it is because in working thru the grief I had for the others I received clarity on his death as well. 

I’m still trying to figure out what to do with it this short but in these 2 picture below it’s curly.

Curly is something my hair does under protest and only with tons of mousse, hair spray, and other various torture devices like a curling iron hotter than the sun and multiple clips and pins.

I was feeling pretty sassy in these 2 pictures, but to tell the truth it’s so much trouble that most of the time I just leave it straight. 

While I am on this dual subject of grief and hair ( I know how weird that is…) 

I would also like to thank each and every one of you for your condolences.  Believe me I remember who it was, who took the time to come by and offer those words of comfort.  They really mean a lot to me and that you haven’t been frightened away by my seeming never-ending grief and tragedy.  I appreciate it more than you know, that I could think of my xanga friends and know that I wasn’t as alone as I felt sometimes.  Laughing at what you wrote or just being able to read and comment with nothing else expected.  Grief is such a personal thing and while I do still feel sad, especially with Uncle Rays’ funeral today, I know there really is light at the end of the tunnel.  And I know that many of you understand exactly what I’m talking about and that even if you don’t you still support me.  For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Native Americans in some Plains and Western tribes continue to place great spiritual value on their hair, cutting it only when they are in mourning.

My moms’ twin brother died today after a lengthy battle with liver cancer.

to my wonderful uncle you will be missed more than you can imagine.

Aubrey Ray Newman

1929-2008

In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? — John 14:2

These are some of the pictures Allie and I took on Rosenmontag at the Mainz fastnacht parade. 

Monday morning Allison and I took the train in to Mainz to watch the Fastnach parade.  Mainz along with Cologne and Dusseldorf hold the biggest celebrations in the country and boy do they celebrate!  We had a really great time and took dozens of pictures then we had a quick late lunch and started home.  Unfortunately that is where things started to go wrong.  We got on the train heading home not realizing it had been turned into an express because of the amount of people that came to the celebrations.  It flew right past Nackenheim and every other village and didn’t stop until we were in Worms.  Very disheartened and extremely weary we tried to get off the train. I was in the lead and hadn’t completely got clear of the first big step off when these drunk idiots closed up the space behind and tripped me. I fell off the train onto the platform with my left leg going down between the platform and the train.   I landed hard on my left elbow and hip.  And to tell the truth I was freaked because my leg was hanging down over the track and I was scared the train would start to move before I could get up.  Allison was still on the train and yelled and shoved her way off and helped me up and the doors closed and the train left.  I was shaking like a leaf in a stiff wind.  We then had to buy tickets back to Nackenheim and luckily for us the train going back was almost empty and we were able to not only have seats we practically had the entire car to ourselves. It was a bad end to a good day and the next day the bruises and limping proved it.

For two days I had the most awful time getting comfortable, this is what happens when your left cheek is one giant bruise. Finally on Wednesday I decided to see who had won the Super Tuesday vote and that’s when I found out about the tornados that had swept the southern states, including our home state of Arkansas.  I really freaked when I found out Clinton, Arkansas had been hit because as you know that is where we’re from and that’s where my dad, my sister and all my friends live.  I never did get a call thru to my dad and sister that live there but I did finally get thru to our friends Marv and Judy and I talked to my other sister who had talked to my dad and sis and I found out they were all spared as was their houses and property. The next worry was our own house.  Marv didn’t know because the police had closed highway 16E leading to it because of damage in Honey Hills subdivision.  They knew the tornado hadn’t gone down into our area which is called Pine tree acres but they couldn’t say for sure there weren’t trees down.  So I finally broke down and called my neighbor Laverne and she said she watched the tornado from our front yard as it passed less than a mile from our houses.  She finally had to take shelter because as it came it was preceded by hail and torrential rain and so she had to make a run for it before it got closer.  But all my neighbors and all our houses are safe.  A lot of our other friends weren’t as lucky.  I could name dozens of our friends and acquaintances who lost everything and some who just had damage, but it can at least be repaired.  We still must feel blessed and lucky at the relatively low total of people killed and wounded but I admit to being brought to tears over and over this week at the pictures and video of the tornado blasted landscape of our hometown.  If you would please pray for or send your good wishes to them all in Clinton, Arkansas and the rest of the hard hit South. 

This is such unbelievably happy news!

After 5 months of jumping thru governmental hoops and wading thru mounds of red tape my daughter Allison has finally received permission to marry her Irishman!

Can I get a hallelujah!  Or maybe a double w00t! Or possibly both!

Please take 5 minutes of your week and drop by here. 

I’m not actually hiding, just dealing with the aftermath and laying low.  I guess I’m in a contemplative spirit, thanks for your emails and your concern, it touches me that you care enough to take a minute and drop me a line.  I have been lurking around and trying to keep up to date on my reading list.  Some of you have really made me laugh and that is a wonderful thing. 

Thanks again.

These two kids are SO very awesome!  Brian and Allie donated to The Heifer Project in our name.  This makes me very HAPPY!  Somewhere in the world is a flock of hope giving a family a whole new chance of prosperity.  The best part…. the family has agreed to give the first eggs to another family and teach them what Heifer taught them. So this is a gift that truly makes a difference and keeps on giving.   Instead of another doodad that I won’t dust, someone in the world that isn’t as fortunate as we are will receive something truly worthwhile.   Thanks Allie, you make us proud to be your parents! And thank you Brian we are proud to have you in our family.

links are colorful, go give! Or just check it out!

Also as a reminder at this time of year don’t forget to click everyday, it is a legitimate way of helping 6 charities in less than 1 minute a day. Just in case you don’t believe me….click here.

We got our first snow of the season the other day. Two quick snow showers that melted as quick as the flakes hit the ground.  It did stick on the top of the hills for a bit but all the low lying areas melted right away.  It was very sudden and quite pretty and it caused every person on the autobahn to immediately lose their ability to drive, so it took Bear 30 minutes longer to get home than normal.   I guess its the same phenomena that happens in the South when it’s going to snow. There is some sort of silent signal sent out that compels everyone within a 50 mile radius to descend on the local grocery store and buy milk and bread.  As if snow aliens were coming to town specifically to get every last loaf of bread and every last gallon of milk in the south and you have to beat them to the store.  It’s amazing to see, and it’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the morning.  I know exactly why it happens and there really is a good reason. The South unlike the Midwest and Northeast is not equipped for long bouts of bad roads.  The road departments know they’re doing a terrific job if they can just keep the main highways cleared, keeping the secondary roads cleared is a bonus and you can just forget about dirt roads.  So if you knew all this and the weatherman was predicting 2 inches of snow then you have gotten your signal to make a mad dash to the grocery store. 

Here in Germany though I’m a little puzzled about the traffic the other day.  The roads were wet, not snowy and even if the snow had stuck, with typical german efficiency it would have been cleared or salted before you could say “Bob’s your uncle”.  Not to mention normally these people laugh right thru a tiny snow shower like we had and ask if you plan on going hiking or want to play a game of football. (soccer)  I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come.  Because even though this will be our 4th Winter here, every year we have spent it in a different state so I’m a little leery of how they do things up here.  {(Wow, it’s hard to believe that this Fall marks the start of our fourth year here, dang, time sure flies.)  In the meantime I get more and more thrilled with our apartment. (flat to you Aussies right?)   We are on the first floor.  This means that there is an apartment below us on the ground floor and one above on the second.  We also have a duplex connected to the back of the building which protects the East side of the house. This all means that we are literally sandwiched in and the apartment is SO insulated by all this that we haven’t even had to turn the heat on yet.  We’ll see how it all pans out in late January but I vividly remember two Winters ago in Bavaria when I had the heat on in October, by my calculations this puts me ahead of the game already. 

We have a Christmas party that all the guys from work have planned.  It’s at a local restaurant in Maintz called Sausalito’s.  I don’t particalarily care for the food there, it’s bad TexMex, but the younger crowd thinks its just wonderful. German-TexMex? Yeah, right!  Last time we met a group there they drank over 2 dozen Red Bull and vodkas at 7€ a pop plus all the beer and then they whine to Bear about how they aren’t making enough money, lol.  Umm, maybe you shouldn’t go to Sausalito’s every friday and Saturday night.  But hey, they’re young and its all fun so what the heck.  I know we plan on getting gussied up and having a great Christmas party, I just need to remember to take my camera.  I might get a worthy blackmail shot! 

Hope you have a happy hump day!

EDIT and update:

I just had the best phone call ever with Allison, she’s going to come over from Ireland in late December. Hopefully her Irish honey will get to come also. What great news, can you tell that I’m one happy mama???!!!

The three weeks I was back in the states flew by so fast that it honestly felt like I was only there for a week.  I spent a major amount of time in the car. So much so that when I tried to add it all up it came to more than two full days. (remember I was trying to avoid that, ha!)  Every other day I needed to be in a different place, if I was in Clinton then I needed to be in Hot Springs.  If I was in Hot Springs I needed to be in Fayetteville.  One day I left Fayetteville at about 7 a.m. and drove down to Hot Springs a trip of about 4 hours, then after spending all day running around with my Emily thinking that I was going to spend the night with her, I ended up having to drive back up to Clinton, another 2 and a half hour drive, to meet with our builder early the next morning, I was so tired I was shaky.  A whole lot of things got accomplished while we were home but at the same time I think we both left with a sense of incompletion. Maybe on a business/holiday that’s inevitable. 

After Cassie died and before Barry landed I took her mom Sue to Kansas City with me for three days.  Cassie’s daughter Katrina is around the same age as my girls and she is an all around terrific person, she is also the most reliable of Cassie’s three kids. She is the executer of Cassie’s estate (all debt after being sick for so long) and Sue was driving her batty with her interference. At the same time Sue had just lost her oldest child and she needed to be away for a few days after going through the days and nights of the last 2 months.  So there I was standing in Cassie’s driveway getting ready to leave and explaining that if I was going to get to see my nephews and their families in Kansas City I had to go before the memorial or not at all, when all of a sudden I hear this voice saying “Well Sue, pack a bag and come with me….”  Lo and behold it was me.   It all worked out of course and no one killed Sue even though she is a real trial to be around.  I think part of it is she is a retired nurse and is used to giving orders and part of it is from raising 7 kids and part is from being from Buffalo, New York.  (No offense intended Buffaloans, I’m sure your not all opionated and pushy. )  The last and fourth part would be that she is 75, so she is regressing back to the age of two just like my dad and wants it done her way, right now!    She really is a kindhearted, generous person but I’ll be honest I was glad to get back to Clinton and have her not be my responsibility anymore.  Before we left Katrina kept asking me if I was sure I wanted Sue along and finally she asked me point blank, “Have you lost your mind?” That should have been a clue right there, but NO, not me.   I figured everyone needed this break and the truth is they did and it did end up working out well and that’s what matters right?  What’s a couple of days holding your tongue in the grand scheme of things.  And Sue really needed a break as badly as Katrina and the rest of the family.  It does however explain why all of her kids live far enough away from her that she can’t just “drop in”.

By the end of that trip Sue and I had cooked up a scheme to get Katrina over here to me.  I promised Cassie that I would be there for Katrina and while we know katrina is an adult that doesn’t mean that you don’t need a mother and father figure in your life. Cassie knows knew that we love Katrina like our own, so I’m thrilled beyond words that she is going to be coming over here for a visit. (I’m having a hard time with my tenses in talking about Aunt Pearl and Cassie both. It’s probably some kind of sign.)  I hope that we can give each other the emotional support we’re needing in all this while also having a great time.  Sounds contrary but I think it can happen.

Since Cassie was cremated it was decided to hold her memorial on the 10th which was a long wait but it gave all of her family time to get to Arkansas.  They were coming in from all over the states and it took time to pull it all together. Then just 2 days before Cassie’s memorial, while I was in Fayetteville, my mom came in and woke me up to tell me that Aunt Pearl had died in her sleep sometime in the night. (I’m sure they know the exact time but I don’t.) It all felt like to much. I was so numb by this point that it didn’t even sink in and it wasn’t until I was sitting on the couch in the living room drinking coffee that all of a sudden these deep sobs came from nowhere and my nephews girlfriend, Tabitha came and hugged me and then in 2 minutes I was done. It’s been that way every since, 2 mins crying, then pull it together. I almost wish I could just bawl and bawl and get it all out and over. 

Now here is the real kicker in all this.  On Thanksgiving day I called my mom to wish her a happy day and she told me her twin brother has liver cancer.  No, I’m not kidding.  We lost my uncle in July in a motorcycle accident, then less than 5 months later we lost my aunt and I also lost Cassie and now as if this family hasn’t had a bad enough year we get this news.  Apparently he went in to have his gallbladder removed because it was giving him fits and while they had the camera in there they took a good look around and found cancer.  He starts chemo today.  They plan on putting the chemo directly into the main artery that feeds into the liver.  Honest to God I just feel numb, as if my brain is at its processing limit and needs a new ram chip.  I haven’t even finished processing old emotions and I’m back in this horrible stasis of waiting.  Waiting for news, waiting for a cure, just waiting. 

In the last year alone my cousin Nola died of brain cancer, my aunt of stomach cancer after already going thru breast cancer, Cassie had 3 types of cancer. Melanoma on her legs which the doctors removed before I ever left the states the first time, and then ultimatly dying of lung cancer while also having a completely different cancer in her glands. Now my uncle who had prostrate cancer last year, they said he was in remission, has liver cancer now.  It really makes me wonder if cancer will kill us all.  Not just my family but everyone, if this isn’t “the planets way of shaking us off like a bad case of fleas”.(If I may paraphrase George Carlin)

I think it will become clear in my heart and mind given time and all this will pass.  I think that we are all capable of extraordinary feats of courage and while I don’t think I have had to show anything remarkable others have said differently and that gives me comfort that I’m on the right path.

Sorry for the length of this, I guess I should have part 1 and 2d this book, lol.  Thanks for sticking with me, I’m going to give all of you medals. 

As my friend Dani says…I heart you.

Sorry I haven’t been around, I’ll try to rectify the situation with an update sometime this week.  There has been so much happening that a short note won’t cut it, not by a long shot.  

I feel like I might have missed to many blogs to catch up with everyone but I’ll try anyway, meantime I’m trying to gather my thoughts and try to put them in some semblance of order.  There’s a laugh…my brain in order.

Hope all of you are doing great, I’ve missed you……