This woman and I must be related!  At the very least she’s my new hero.  I don’t know if it’s REALLY an actual letter or not, it was forwarded to me from back home, either way it’s laugh out loud funny and sometimes that’s all that counts.

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This is an actual letter from an  Austin  woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

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Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.  Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?  FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the localWalgreen’s armed with a hunti n g rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending messages. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin  ,  TX
 

Has everyone heard of Locks of Love?  It’s a charity with a unique mission. This is from their own mission statement.  

return a sense of self, confidence and normalcy to children suffering from hair loss by utilizing donated ponytails to provide the highest quality hair prosthetics to financially disadvantaged children.

I have donated hair to this charity twice before, this third time I have before and after pictures.

Of course when Allison took this pictures I don’t think she thought it would be the last one of my long hair. At least the last one for a few years.  She was just taking a picture of the ruined church.

I love the church by the way.

I don’t know if I can explain this or not but until I cut my hair my grief was choking me.  Daily. 

I cut it off when I cut my hair.  I don’t know why it helps but it does.  It’s as if with every snip of the scissors my heart feels lighter, like the pain is being cut.  I’m not explaining this well at all but believe me when I tell you it’s the only time my Native American ancestry comes to the fore.  When my brother in law died and I grieved and mourned for months and could not seem to move on….I cut my hair. That was the second time I donated to Locks of love.  The first time was just a haircut, even though the foot I cut off is longer than most people allow their hair to get. In total I have given them about 40 inches or 101cm, give or take an inch or 2.  This time I didn’t really even know what I was doing, it was as if it was weighing me down and I would never get this burden lifted. I was sick to death of the weight of the whole thing,  I was just so sad all the time. Crying almost nightly for Aunt Pearl or Cassie or my Uncle Sherman.  It was the most awful six months ever.  I just couldn’t move past any of it and that’s part of the reason I have been so scarce this last few months.  I mean who really wants to read one depressing post after another.  Now Uncle Ray has died too.  So in 8 months I have lost 4 people who meant the world to me.  I cut my hair a week or so before Uncle Ray died and when I did I let him go too.  His death has by far been easier for me than the others. Part of that is because he asked us to pray for God to take him, he was ready and I believed him.  Part of it is because in working thru the grief I had for the others I received clarity on his death as well. 

I’m still trying to figure out what to do with it this short but in these 2 picture below it’s curly.

Curly is something my hair does under protest and only with tons of mousse, hair spray, and other various torture devices like a curling iron hotter than the sun and multiple clips and pins.

I was feeling pretty sassy in these 2 pictures, but to tell the truth it’s so much trouble that most of the time I just leave it straight. 

While I am on this dual subject of grief and hair ( I know how weird that is…) 

I would also like to thank each and every one of you for your condolences.  Believe me I remember who it was, who took the time to come by and offer those words of comfort.  They really mean a lot to me and that you haven’t been frightened away by my seeming never-ending grief and tragedy.  I appreciate it more than you know, that I could think of my xanga friends and know that I wasn’t as alone as I felt sometimes.  Laughing at what you wrote or just being able to read and comment with nothing else expected.  Grief is such a personal thing and while I do still feel sad, especially with Uncle Rays’ funeral today, I know there really is light at the end of the tunnel.  And I know that many of you understand exactly what I’m talking about and that even if you don’t you still support me.  For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Native Americans in some Plains and Western tribes continue to place great spiritual value on their hair, cutting it only when they are in mourning.

My moms’ twin brother died today after a lengthy battle with liver cancer.

to my wonderful uncle you will be missed more than you can imagine.

Aubrey Ray Newman

1929-2008

In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? — John 14:2

These are some of the pictures Allie and I took on Rosenmontag at the Mainz fastnacht parade. 

Monday morning Allison and I took the train in to Mainz to watch the Fastnach parade.  Mainz along with Cologne and Dusseldorf hold the biggest celebrations in the country and boy do they celebrate!  We had a really great time and took dozens of pictures then we had a quick late lunch and started home.  Unfortunately that is where things started to go wrong.  We got on the train heading home not realizing it had been turned into an express because of the amount of people that came to the celebrations.  It flew right past Nackenheim and every other village and didn’t stop until we were in Worms.  Very disheartened and extremely weary we tried to get off the train. I was in the lead and hadn’t completely got clear of the first big step off when these drunk idiots closed up the space behind and tripped me. I fell off the train onto the platform with my left leg going down between the platform and the train.   I landed hard on my left elbow and hip.  And to tell the truth I was freaked because my leg was hanging down over the track and I was scared the train would start to move before I could get up.  Allison was still on the train and yelled and shoved her way off and helped me up and the doors closed and the train left.  I was shaking like a leaf in a stiff wind.  We then had to buy tickets back to Nackenheim and luckily for us the train going back was almost empty and we were able to not only have seats we practically had the entire car to ourselves. It was a bad end to a good day and the next day the bruises and limping proved it.

For two days I had the most awful time getting comfortable, this is what happens when your left cheek is one giant bruise. Finally on Wednesday I decided to see who had won the Super Tuesday vote and that’s when I found out about the tornados that had swept the southern states, including our home state of Arkansas.  I really freaked when I found out Clinton, Arkansas had been hit because as you know that is where we’re from and that’s where my dad, my sister and all my friends live.  I never did get a call thru to my dad and sister that live there but I did finally get thru to our friends Marv and Judy and I talked to my other sister who had talked to my dad and sis and I found out they were all spared as was their houses and property. The next worry was our own house.  Marv didn’t know because the police had closed highway 16E leading to it because of damage in Honey Hills subdivision.  They knew the tornado hadn’t gone down into our area which is called Pine tree acres but they couldn’t say for sure there weren’t trees down.  So I finally broke down and called my neighbor Laverne and she said she watched the tornado from our front yard as it passed less than a mile from our houses.  She finally had to take shelter because as it came it was preceded by hail and torrential rain and so she had to make a run for it before it got closer.  But all my neighbors and all our houses are safe.  A lot of our other friends weren’t as lucky.  I could name dozens of our friends and acquaintances who lost everything and some who just had damage, but it can at least be repaired.  We still must feel blessed and lucky at the relatively low total of people killed and wounded but I admit to being brought to tears over and over this week at the pictures and video of the tornado blasted landscape of our hometown.  If you would please pray for or send your good wishes to them all in Clinton, Arkansas and the rest of the hard hit South.