November 26, 2007

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  The three weeks I was back in the states flew by so fast that it honestly felt like I was only there for a week.  I spent a major amount of time in the car. So much so that when I tried to add it all up it came to more than two full days. (remember I was trying to avoid that, ha!)  Every other day I needed to be in a different place, if I was in Clinton then I needed to be in Hot Springs.  If I was in Hot Springs I needed to be in Fayetteville.  One day I left Fayetteville at about 7 a.m. and drove down to Hot Springs a trip of about 4 hours, then after spending all day running around with my Emily thinking that I was going to spend the night with her, I ended up having to drive back up to Clinton, another 2 and a half hour drive, to meet with our builder early the next morning, I was so tired I was shaky.  A whole lot of things got accomplished while we were home but at the same time I think we both left with a sense of incompletion. Maybe on a business/holiday that’s inevitable. 

  After Cassie died and before Barry landed I took her mom Sue to Kansas City with me for three days.  Cassie’s daughter Katrina is around the same age as my girls and she is an all around terrific person, she is also the most reliable of Cassie’s three kids. She is the executer of Cassie’s estate (all debt after being sick for so long) and Sue was driving her batty with her interference. At the same time Sue had just lost her oldest child and she needed to be away for a few days after going through the days and nights of the last 2 months.  So there I was standing in Cassie’s driveway getting ready to leave and explaining that if I was going to get to see my nephews and their families in Kansas City I had to go before the memorial or not at all, when all of a sudden I hear this voice saying “Well Sue, pack a bag and come with me….”  Lo and behold it was me.   It all worked out of course and no one killed Sue even though she is a real trial to be around.  I think part of it is she is a retired nurse and is used to giving orders and part of it is from raising 7 kids and part is from being from Buffalo, New York.  (No offense intended Buffaloans, I’m sure your not all opionated and pushy. )  The last and fourth part would be that she is 75, so she is regressing back to the age of two just like my dad and wants it done her way, right now!    She really is a kindhearted, generous person but I’ll be honest I was glad to get back to Clinton and have her not be my responsibility anymore.  Before we left Katrina kept asking me if I was sure I wanted Sue along and finally she asked me point blank, “Have you lost your mind?” That should have been a clue right there, but NO, not me.   I figured everyone needed this break and the truth is they did and it did end up working out well and that’s what matters right?  What’s a couple of days holding your tongue in the grand scheme of things.  And Sue really needed a break as badly as Katrina and the rest of the family.  It does however explain why all of her kids live far enough away from her that she can’t just “drop in”.

  By the end of that trip Sue and I had cooked up a scheme to get Katrina over here to me.  I promised Cassie that I would be there for Katrina and while we know katrina is an adult that doesn’t mean that you don’t need a mother and father figure in your life. Cassie knows knew that we love Katrina like our own, so I’m thrilled beyond words that she is going to be coming over here for a visit. (I’m having a hard time with my tenses in talking about Aunt Pearl and Cassie both. It’s probably some kind of sign.)  I hope that we can give each other the emotional support we’re needing in all this while also having a great time.  Sounds contrary but I think it can happen.

  Since Cassie was cremated it was decided to hold her memorial on the 10th which was a long wait but it gave all of her family time to get to Arkansas.  They were coming in from all over the states and it took time to pull it all together. Then just 2 days before Cassie’s memorial, while I was in Fayetteville, my mom came in and woke me up to tell me that Aunt Pearl had died in her sleep sometime in the night. (I’m sure they know the exact time but I don’t.) It all felt like to much. I was so numb by this point that it didn’t even sink in and it wasn’t until I was sitting on the couch in the living room drinking coffee that all of a sudden these deep sobs came from nowhere and my nephews girlfriend, Tabitha came and hugged me and then in 2 minutes I was done. It’s been that way every since, 2 mins crying, then pull it together. I almost wish I could just bawl and bawl and get it all out and over. 

  Now here is the real kicker in all this.  On Thanksgiving day I called my mom to wish her a happy day and she told me her twin brother has liver cancer.  No, I’m not kidding.  We lost my uncle in July in a motorcycle accident, then less than 5 months later we lost my aunt and I also lost Cassie and now as if this family hasn’t had a bad enough year we get this news.  Apparently he went in to have his gallbladder removed because it was giving him fits and while they had the camera in there they took a good look around and found cancer.  He starts chemo today.  They plan on putting the chemo directly into the main artery that feeds into the liver.  Honest to God I just feel numb, as if my brain is at its processing limit and needs a new ram chip.  I haven’t even finished processing old emotions and I’m back in this horrible stasis of waiting.  Waiting for news, waiting for a cure, just waiting. 

  In the last year alone my cousin Nola died of brain cancer, my aunt of stomach cancer after already going thru breast cancer, Cassie had 3 types of cancer. Melanoma on her legs which the doctors removed before I ever left the states the first time, and then ultimatly dying of lung cancer while also having a completely different cancer in her glands. Now my uncle who had prostrate cancer last year, they said he was in remission, has liver cancer now.  It really makes me wonder if cancer will kill us all.  Not just my family but everyone, if this isn’t “the planets way of shaking us off like a bad case of fleas”.(If I may paraphrase George Carlin)

  I think it will become clear in my heart and mind given time and all this will pass.  I think that we are all capable of extraordinary feats of courage and while I don’t think I have had to show anything remarkable others have said differently and that gives me comfort that I’m on the right path.

  Sorry for the length of this, I guess I should have part 1 and 2d this book, lol.  Thanks for sticking with me, I’m going to give all of you medals. 

  As my friend Dani says…I heart you.

   

   

  • 6:30 am
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