We got our first snow of the season the other day. Two quick snow showers that melted as quick as the flakes hit the ground.  It did stick on the top of the hills for a bit but all the low lying areas melted right away.  It was very sudden and quite pretty and it caused every person on the autobahn to immediately lose their ability to drive, so it took Bear 30 minutes longer to get home than normal.   I guess its the same phenomena that happens in the South when it’s going to snow. There is some sort of silent signal sent out that compels everyone within a 50 mile radius to descend on the local grocery store and buy milk and bread.  As if snow aliens were coming to town specifically to get every last loaf of bread and every last gallon of milk in the south and you have to beat them to the store.  It’s amazing to see, and it’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the morning.  I know exactly why it happens and there really is a good reason. The South unlike the Midwest and Northeast is not equipped for long bouts of bad roads.  The road departments know they’re doing a terrific job if they can just keep the main highways cleared, keeping the secondary roads cleared is a bonus and you can just forget about dirt roads.  So if you knew all this and the weatherman was predicting 2 inches of snow then you have gotten your signal to make a mad dash to the grocery store. 

Here in Germany though I’m a little puzzled about the traffic the other day.  The roads were wet, not snowy and even if the snow had stuck, with typical german efficiency it would have been cleared or salted before you could say “Bob’s your uncle”.  Not to mention normally these people laugh right thru a tiny snow shower like we had and ask if you plan on going hiking or want to play a game of football. (soccer)  I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come.  Because even though this will be our 4th Winter here, every year we have spent it in a different state so I’m a little leery of how they do things up here.  {(Wow, it’s hard to believe that this Fall marks the start of our fourth year here, dang, time sure flies.)  In the meantime I get more and more thrilled with our apartment. (flat to you Aussies right?)   We are on the first floor.  This means that there is an apartment below us on the ground floor and one above on the second.  We also have a duplex connected to the back of the building which protects the East side of the house. This all means that we are literally sandwiched in and the apartment is SO insulated by all this that we haven’t even had to turn the heat on yet.  We’ll see how it all pans out in late January but I vividly remember two Winters ago in Bavaria when I had the heat on in October, by my calculations this puts me ahead of the game already. 

We have a Christmas party that all the guys from work have planned.  It’s at a local restaurant in Maintz called Sausalito’s.  I don’t particalarily care for the food there, it’s bad TexMex, but the younger crowd thinks its just wonderful. German-TexMex? Yeah, right!  Last time we met a group there they drank over 2 dozen Red Bull and vodkas at 7€ a pop plus all the beer and then they whine to Bear about how they aren’t making enough money, lol.  Umm, maybe you shouldn’t go to Sausalito’s every friday and Saturday night.  But hey, they’re young and its all fun so what the heck.  I know we plan on getting gussied up and having a great Christmas party, I just need to remember to take my camera.  I might get a worthy blackmail shot! 

Hope you have a happy hump day!

EDIT and update:

I just had the best phone call ever with Allison, she’s going to come over from Ireland in late December. Hopefully her Irish honey will get to come also. What great news, can you tell that I’m one happy mama???!!!

The three weeks I was back in the states flew by so fast that it honestly felt like I was only there for a week.  I spent a major amount of time in the car. So much so that when I tried to add it all up it came to more than two full days. (remember I was trying to avoid that, ha!)  Every other day I needed to be in a different place, if I was in Clinton then I needed to be in Hot Springs.  If I was in Hot Springs I needed to be in Fayetteville.  One day I left Fayetteville at about 7 a.m. and drove down to Hot Springs a trip of about 4 hours, then after spending all day running around with my Emily thinking that I was going to spend the night with her, I ended up having to drive back up to Clinton, another 2 and a half hour drive, to meet with our builder early the next morning, I was so tired I was shaky.  A whole lot of things got accomplished while we were home but at the same time I think we both left with a sense of incompletion. Maybe on a business/holiday that’s inevitable. 

After Cassie died and before Barry landed I took her mom Sue to Kansas City with me for three days.  Cassie’s daughter Katrina is around the same age as my girls and she is an all around terrific person, she is also the most reliable of Cassie’s three kids. She is the executer of Cassie’s estate (all debt after being sick for so long) and Sue was driving her batty with her interference. At the same time Sue had just lost her oldest child and she needed to be away for a few days after going through the days and nights of the last 2 months.  So there I was standing in Cassie’s driveway getting ready to leave and explaining that if I was going to get to see my nephews and their families in Kansas City I had to go before the memorial or not at all, when all of a sudden I hear this voice saying “Well Sue, pack a bag and come with me….”  Lo and behold it was me.   It all worked out of course and no one killed Sue even though she is a real trial to be around.  I think part of it is she is a retired nurse and is used to giving orders and part of it is from raising 7 kids and part is from being from Buffalo, New York.  (No offense intended Buffaloans, I’m sure your not all opionated and pushy. )  The last and fourth part would be that she is 75, so she is regressing back to the age of two just like my dad and wants it done her way, right now!    She really is a kindhearted, generous person but I’ll be honest I was glad to get back to Clinton and have her not be my responsibility anymore.  Before we left Katrina kept asking me if I was sure I wanted Sue along and finally she asked me point blank, “Have you lost your mind?” That should have been a clue right there, but NO, not me.   I figured everyone needed this break and the truth is they did and it did end up working out well and that’s what matters right?  What’s a couple of days holding your tongue in the grand scheme of things.  And Sue really needed a break as badly as Katrina and the rest of the family.  It does however explain why all of her kids live far enough away from her that she can’t just “drop in”.

By the end of that trip Sue and I had cooked up a scheme to get Katrina over here to me.  I promised Cassie that I would be there for Katrina and while we know katrina is an adult that doesn’t mean that you don’t need a mother and father figure in your life. Cassie knows knew that we love Katrina like our own, so I’m thrilled beyond words that she is going to be coming over here for a visit. (I’m having a hard time with my tenses in talking about Aunt Pearl and Cassie both. It’s probably some kind of sign.)  I hope that we can give each other the emotional support we’re needing in all this while also having a great time.  Sounds contrary but I think it can happen.

Since Cassie was cremated it was decided to hold her memorial on the 10th which was a long wait but it gave all of her family time to get to Arkansas.  They were coming in from all over the states and it took time to pull it all together. Then just 2 days before Cassie’s memorial, while I was in Fayetteville, my mom came in and woke me up to tell me that Aunt Pearl had died in her sleep sometime in the night. (I’m sure they know the exact time but I don’t.) It all felt like to much. I was so numb by this point that it didn’t even sink in and it wasn’t until I was sitting on the couch in the living room drinking coffee that all of a sudden these deep sobs came from nowhere and my nephews girlfriend, Tabitha came and hugged me and then in 2 minutes I was done. It’s been that way every since, 2 mins crying, then pull it together. I almost wish I could just bawl and bawl and get it all out and over. 

Now here is the real kicker in all this.  On Thanksgiving day I called my mom to wish her a happy day and she told me her twin brother has liver cancer.  No, I’m not kidding.  We lost my uncle in July in a motorcycle accident, then less than 5 months later we lost my aunt and I also lost Cassie and now as if this family hasn’t had a bad enough year we get this news.  Apparently he went in to have his gallbladder removed because it was giving him fits and while they had the camera in there they took a good look around and found cancer.  He starts chemo today.  They plan on putting the chemo directly into the main artery that feeds into the liver.  Honest to God I just feel numb, as if my brain is at its processing limit and needs a new ram chip.  I haven’t even finished processing old emotions and I’m back in this horrible stasis of waiting.  Waiting for news, waiting for a cure, just waiting. 

In the last year alone my cousin Nola died of brain cancer, my aunt of stomach cancer after already going thru breast cancer, Cassie had 3 types of cancer. Melanoma on her legs which the doctors removed before I ever left the states the first time, and then ultimatly dying of lung cancer while also having a completely different cancer in her glands. Now my uncle who had prostrate cancer last year, they said he was in remission, has liver cancer now.  It really makes me wonder if cancer will kill us all.  Not just my family but everyone, if this isn’t “the planets way of shaking us off like a bad case of fleas”.(If I may paraphrase George Carlin)

I think it will become clear in my heart and mind given time and all this will pass.  I think that we are all capable of extraordinary feats of courage and while I don’t think I have had to show anything remarkable others have said differently and that gives me comfort that I’m on the right path.

Sorry for the length of this, I guess I should have part 1 and 2d this book, lol.  Thanks for sticking with me, I’m going to give all of you medals. 

As my friend Dani says…I heart you.

Sorry I haven’t been around, I’ll try to rectify the situation with an update sometime this week.  There has been so much happening that a short note won’t cut it, not by a long shot.  

I feel like I might have missed to many blogs to catch up with everyone but I’ll try anyway, meantime I’m trying to gather my thoughts and try to put them in some semblance of order.  There’s a laugh…my brain in order.

Hope all of you are doing great, I’ve missed you…… 

Aunt Pearl has died.

More later on how much I hate cancer. 

Isn’t it funny how even in the grimmest, saddest situations you can still laugh through your tears.  I got the funniest email from my aunt and then my Aunt Annie, called me at 5 a.m. in the morning and Pearl had died.  We all are laughing and crying, mostly crying.  There will be no more funy emails or pearls of wisdom from my lovely, vibrant Aunt Pearl.

Today is also the day that we are planting Cassie’s memorial tree.  I don’t think I ever mentioned it but Cassie was an avid gardener and could grow anything, we are planting a Maple in the center of her garden this afternoon.  She also told me, right before she passed, that she had several Navajo Willow cuttings for me and she was going to plant them in my front yard  Next Spring her husband Pete, and Bear and I are going to do that for her.  Cassie’s maiden name meant Willow by the water so I find it very appropriate.

I read the lovely comments that so many of you took the time to leave to both Cassie’s daughter and Pete, they said to say thank you for your thoughts and prayers.  I also would like to thank you all…… for thinking of me and mine during these hard days.  I see an end to this sadness and your prayers and good thoughts help me remember the joy I still have in my life.  You make me remember the good times and the good memories instead of focusing on the bad, thanks guys your the best. 

Things have been so hectic here that this is the first time I have been able to get anywhere near a computer since Cassie died.  I really appreciate all your thoughts and prayers and it warms my heart to know that you all care and took time to come by an express your sympathies to me and Cassie’s family.  I will be just as scarce for the next 4 or 5 days so I wanted to take the time now to let you all know how much it meant to me that you thought of us.   Xanga has some really amazing people and I’m proud to be your friend.  At this rate I will be back in Germany before things settle down and by then I will wondering what the heck happened, that’s how fast everything seems to be moving.  Hopefully my honey and I will be able to relax for a couple of days before we go back and he has to start the daily grind again.  However, I believe that things happened the way they did for a reason and I believe Cassie wanted me here to be a buffer between her mom and Pete, her husband. (And Kat, Cassie’s daughter who was her mom’s executrix.)  Her mom, S. has quite a personality and for some reason takes to me like a duck takes to water, so I was able to provide a voice she would listen to when she wouldn’t listen to them. (Even when I wasn’t agreeing with her, which happened frequently.)  I could feel Cassie so strongly that first few days, it gave me strength and it helped me tremendously because I was honestly able to say she’s right here.  That’s the first time that’s ever happened to me, it was very odd.  I didn’t grieve the way I thought I would because I could feel her energy coursing through me.  Over the last few days it has started to slowly pull away but I had her there to help me with the rough parts.  I know that sounds crazy, but she really was helping to make sure I did and said the right things to make her memorial what she wanted.  When I get home I’ll write more about that.

I will also slowly but surely get up to date and I will come by your sites to personally thank you again for your thoughts and prayers.  I believe in prayer and I think all of yours has helped get us through this death.  You guys are the best.