Well gang, day after tomorrow is my 21st anniversary.  Yup! 21 years with the same man.  Is that awesome or what.  I probably wouldn’t think it was so great if I didn’t have such a terrific old man, but I can truly say that I’m still in love with him and from the look in his eye, he with me.  About a month ago he asked me what kind of plans we should make for our 25th anniv.  I just looked at him and said, don’t you think we should get through the 21st ,22nd, 23rd and 24th first?  Not that I think anything drastic is going to happen between now and then.  I thought it was rather sweet of him, but then on second glance, maybe he figures we can plan big for the 25th and skip everything in-between!!  Sneaky sucker. lol. 

I got called for petit jury duty down at the capitol.  One step below grand jury, thank god I didn’t get called for that.  I don’t mind going, but they have sent five survey forms to fill out.  It’s getting redundant and more than a little ridiculous.  What did they do with the first four I sent?  They’re all the same.  I’ll get about $25. for mileage and $40. a day.  So at least I won’t go broke doing my “civic duty.”  Has anyone out there done petit jury duty?  I wonder what kind of trials they do?  Time to do some research I guess.

I put FlashFiction on my Sites I Read list, if you get the chance go by.  Here’s a sample of the insanity: 

 ”Austin thought the toaster was frowning at him, so he stabbed it with a fork.  Even in death, he was an idiot.”

That’s last Wednesdays entry. There’s a lot more, all of it short, creative, and completely off the wall.  It’s like reading a Gary Larson comic strip.  Hell, for all I know it may be Gary Larson, who can tell?

    http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=FlashFiction

I hope everyone has a great Monday.

I’m Home!!!

As much fun as I had, I am so glad to be home.  I missed my hubby and I missed my own bed.  Never underestimate your own bed. 

I had an absolute blast on the train from Kansas City to Flagstaff.  Talk about diversity…there was a guy from Nigeria, a couple from Japan, a whole group of Amish, two from London, who just happened to get on the same train, plus people from all over the U.S.  It was a 24 hour party.  Of course the Amish didn’t party but they were very friendly and really interesting to talk to.  The parents cracked me up when they saw this guy with a massive amount of dreadlocks.  They thought it was a wig, and when I told them it was his real hair they made me explain exactly how it’s done.  Then they all wanted to know why would he do that, hell I don’t know why so I just said personal choice.  You can do whatever you want with your hair or any other part of your body…they all looked at me like I’d just grown another head.  I felt kinda like the devil…busting their innocence on more than one subject….but hey, they asked! 

I’ll write more later, I’m exhausted!  I don’t think I slept much last night   It’s good to be back, even though it’s going to take days to catch up on all the posts I missed from my xanga buddies.  I’m sure there are a lot, if I skip the rants about the war don’t take it personal…  

I’m leaving for Kansas City today.  Tomorrow my sister and I catch the train west.  It will be the first time in over 5 years that my dad, mom and all 3 of my sisters and I have been in the same place at the same time.  Everyone is looking forward to it so much.   I just hope we are all able to put aside any differences that we have and not fight.  Close families, I think, are close fighters.  We’re all stubborn and pigheaded but we also would fight to the death for each other.  It’s a case of…we can say what we want about each other, but everyone else better hold their tongue.

I should be able to get to a computer every couple of days, so if anybody kills anybody I’ll give you all the gory details.  lol. 

Wish me safe travel! 

While I’m thinking about it…for those of you who have premium and have trouble uploading images, John is looking for volunteers to try a new software program.  Here he is.  http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=john

I imagine he will need quite a few people so here’s your chance.

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I’m still working on getting the spacing between the lines of my blogs a little further apart.  (I hear and feel your pain Dani)  I tried to change some of the html and so far no luck.  I may abandon the whole skin and go for another.  Normally I change the look of my site about once a month anyway, I love change.  However I like this look so I’m going to keep trying to tweak it.  If it can’t be done it’s outta here.

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I know I’m all over the place, subject wise, bouncy as Soap put it, but that’s exactly how my brain is lately.  One minute I am happy as can be and the next I’m so frikken depressed I can’t stand it or myself.  (maybe I’m bi-polar)  What’s so bad about it is the fact that I can see it clear as day.  Maybe if I was unaware of it I could just Tra La La through life.  Say fuck it to everything and go on.  I’ve never been that way.  I know at least part of it is this NEVER-ENDING winter.  I am so glad to be leaving this place, even if it’s only for a few weeks.  I’m going to lay on a rock in the sunshine of Sedona.  I’m going to wear shorts, and climb to the top of monkey head mountain.  I’m going to walk into the desert to a place I know where you can find agates, geodes and crystals just laying on top of the ground.  Come on TUESDAY!!! 

There’s a train heading west from Kansas City every night.  Next Tuesday I’ll be on it.  I’m going back there for awhile, see the desert mountains I was raised in.  Copper country, the third largest open pit mine in the country.  All the people at the bottom look like ants, and even the largest piece of equipment looks like a child’s Tonka toy.  Flagstaff  and that area is another place I’ll be visiting again.  There’s some beautiful country up there and I’m really looking forward to that. 

On the way back there will be a stop in Telluride Colorado, maybe ski a little, do some shopping.  See some friends and family, it’s been to long to remember that kind of fun.  When you can’t remember fun then it’s time to seek it out.   (can I take your camera Allie?)  I just hope I don’t fall down the mountain again, damn that hurts.  At least I didn’t break a leg.

I’ll be gone on my xangaversary.  It’s hard to believe I’ve been here a year.  It really doesn’t seem that long.  I started this as a quick way to communicate with my daughter who’s away at school.  A way of letting her and her friends know what we are doing and find out what she’s doing. (not in a nasty spy way.)  Somewhere, somehow, it became something different, an outlet really, for all the jumbled things floating around in my brain.  I’ve made some friends here that I wouldn’t have known under ordinary circumstances.  Then again there’s nothing ordinary about xanga or the people on it.  I don’t agree with everyone all the time, but then in real life, do we always agree?  I seriously doubt it.  I’ve read some fascinating tales that people are living, or have lived.  I’ve seen amazing original artwork. (so good you wonder why they aren’t in a gallery)  Read poetry that should be published (Dani, among others.)  And I’m generally always made to feel welcome wherever I happened to wander by.  That is what xanga is and we’re lucky to be a part of it, all glitches aside.  Makes me want to go by and give John and the boys a kiss. lol! 

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The descent of my mind!

Are you Happy?  Really happy?  Someone tell me what that is, happiness.  Where do you find it, and when it leaves does it slip away so quietly you don’t notice.  Did it go with a roar so deafening that you went numb?  Then you knew, I’m not happy!  Is it even important to be happy?  Someone tell me! 

 

I dreaming of a better world for myself,

a place where I can be free.

Where love and anger live side by side,

utopia in my head.

 

Yes, I am in a MOOD. 

Invisible Ink

There comes a time when you swim or sink

so I jumped in the drink

cause I couldn’t make myself clear

maybe I wrote in invisible ink

Oh, I’ve tried to think

How I could’ve made it appear

But another illustration is wasted cause the

Results are the same

I feel like a ghost

Who’s trying to move your hands

Over some Ouija board in the hopes

I can spell out my name

What some might take for magic at first glance

is just sleight of hand

depending on what you believe

Something gets lost when you translate

it’s hard to keep straight

perspective is everything

and I know now which is which

and what angle I ought to look at it from

I suppose I should be happy to be misread-

better be that than

some of the other things I have become

well, nobody wants to hear this tale

the plot is cliched, the jokes are stale 

and baby we’ve all heard it all before

oh, I could get specific but

nobody needs a catalog

with details of a love I can’t sell anymore

And aside from that

this chain of reaction, baby, is losing a link

though I’d hope you’d know what 

I tried to tell you and if you don’t

I could draw you a picture

in invisible ink 

But nobody wants to hear this tale

the plot is cliched, the jokes are stale

and baby we’ve all heard it all before

oh, I could get specific but

nobody needs a catalog

with details of a love I can’t sell anyone 

 

I’m really glad I could bring such amusement to some of you!!

wtf is that all about anyway?

Portia, lovely lady, asked the easy ones.  I do have a man around.  Next month will be our 21st anniv.  Yes, I am in America, Arkansas to be exact.  I started playing around with the countries in the profile and have gone through the whole alphabet, I am currently working my way back from z to a.  I have two daughters, one 20, the other 18.  Any other questions or something you would like me to blog about I will do.

In lieu of doing the dishes, I’m posting on xanga.  I think at this point I would rather be doing anything than the dishes.  But as we all know, lacking a maid or fairies the dishes will still be there when I get done.  Housework sucks big time!!!!  Being out of work eliminates any and all excuses for letting the house go down hill, yet here I sit manufacturing another reason to not get it done.  I detect shades of guilt…screw that!

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I asked a rather personal question of another xangan, and it got me thinking.  Some have valid reasons for keeping their location and identity secret.  I don’t, I could care less if anyone knows where I am or who I am.  So, I will answer any and all questions.  Even at the risk of embarrassing myself.  I have “met” a lot of great people here, I don’t have any stalkers the way some do.  And I already have plans on meeting some of you in person. (can’t wait)   So people, here’s your big chance.  Ask away.  In the spirit of sharing I’m going to post a picture, as soon as I can find one that will scan right and upload.  I may have to get my computer guru smilenow to come over and help.

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I used to have hair so long it got caught in the waistband of my pants, but I cut it all off a few years ago and sent it to locks of love.  They make wigs for cancer survivors.  Actually I cut it twice, the first time I sent 12″ and the second time 14″.  So that gives you some idea of who I am.  It was my oldest daughters idea, but I’m glad that we did it.  Somewhere out there is a kid running around with our hair on their head.  Funny thought isn’t it?

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Shortly after I cut it the second time and it was back down to my shoulders my brother in law died of cancer.  He had been part of my family since I was 10 years old and was truly the only brother I have ever had.  We got back home from the funeral in Oklahoma and I just couldn’t express my grief.  I have never gone through that kind of pain.   He was Choctaw Indian and in my grief and pain I decided that to honor him in the Indian way I would ritualistically chop my hair.  I don’t even know if the Choctaw Indians do that, but I do know I wanted to mutilate the outside of me so it would mirror the mutilated inside.  Since cutting off a digit wasn’t an option I butchered my hair.  There was just enough left that my hairstylist could even it up and make me not look like a escaped freak.  You know what though, every time I looked in the mirror or felt the breeze blowing on my bare neck I remembered who and why I did it, and it helped me pass through the pain.  As my hair grew out I grew out of the grief that I felt.  It was a visual symbol of the love I felt had been cut from my life.

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Now that I’ve depressed myself with old memories I might as well go do the dishes.  Ask what you like it doesn’t matter to me.  I know what I’m letting myself in for.  It might be embarrassing, but you never know it might lead to great things.

 

This is what you get today

 

To dream is to awaken the soul.

It is to set free the mind and the spirit, and to sail on a journey of hope.

To dream is to build castles out of clouds and realities out of wishes.

It is to give meaning to the word belief.

To dream is to hear music in the silence of thought, to privately dance to the sound of violins or to the beat of a pounding drum.

To dream is to abandon the fear of limitation, to unlearn skepticism and doubt, to boldly embrace each day as a miraculous adventure.

To dream is to taste magic, to know passion, and to be unafraid to trust in the wisdom of the heart.

To dream is to see beyond the horizon, and to know we are capable of anything our hearts desire.

anon.