SNOW DAY!!!!!

I absolutely adore slushy, icy roads.  I don’t have to go to work today.

post more later…when the sun comes up.

Are people frightened by the thought of depression and the accompanying thoughts that sometimes go with it?  I get the distinct impression from some of the people around that I shouldn’t be talking about it quiet so openly.  Nuts to that!  I was raised in a house where you never told anyone if there was something wrong…suck it up and go on, pretend everythings hunky dory.  I won’t sweep anything under the rug.  I’ve come to far.  I sure won’t make my beloved child paste a smile on and pretend she’s happy when she’s not.  If we all do that, then how do we know when we’re faking and when it’s real?

First, I want to say a huge Thanks to those who wished us happy xanga thoughts without needing to know why first. SO…..thank you to

dockoonce, iris, smilenowcrylater, wiccanfroggy, cork, and my lovely MyKi!!!

You will never know how much those good thoughts meant to me over the last week.

Down below is….

the incredibly short version, even though it’s mega long!

Daughter Em, had a meltdown at school.  We were called to come and get her.  She had expressed an unhealthy interest in harming herself. Suicidal thoughts.  The bottom line is, she had to come home and get a psych evaluation. 

      Of course we’re going to make sure she has some help, that’s what she is crying out for, that and maybe someone to listen to her like they really care, without turning it around to be all about themselves.  It’s not a contest to see who’s the most depressed or has it the worst.  We all have it differently don’t we?

She really was thinking of killing herself…because it would be easier I suppose.  Though at this time a week later, she has gained some ground on herself, i’m not saying completely level ground but maybe just a little off kilter as opposed to full blown this is it….

Her biggest decision was and is whether or not she will finish high school where she currently is, for those who don’t know she goes to an academicallly challenging residential high school for the gifted.  Obviously not anymore gifted at holding it together than the rest of us.  Black humor there, or sarcasm not sure which.  She is going back to  school tomorrow, and will try it again.  She hates the place but is torn because she loves her classes as well as her friends and teachers.  She could come home and finish out her senior year here but she hates this school way more than she has ever hated that one.  Plus if she does come back I know that she will feel like she didn’t finish and failed somehow.  Which is bull, but if that’s what she thinks that’s all that matters right?

So…I spent most of the week trying to hold it together and get it together.  I never realized how hard it is to get an evaluation.  If she had actually tried to kill herself (thank God she didn’t) we could have gotten one that night or the next day.  As it was everyone wanted a referral sometimes two.  The school also had to have a specific set of criteria met before they would allow her back in, so we ended up driving three and a half hours one way to see a psychologist that met everyones needs. 

THE FUNNY PART IS….

We get in there and the dr. wants to talk to us both before she talks to Em alone.  My God that girl has some stress!  Just hearing her recite her class schedule stressed me out, but she also has graduation and the transition to college.  Which also implies the transition to adulthood.  Post holiday blues, January weather, and the worst of all her steady boy got invited to return to his home school.  (your grades are to low…get out please!) After living together at the same school for a year and a half and seeing each other every single day he is now approx. four hours away.  quite alot to handle.  Then there are the odd bits and pieces that happen everyday that build up without you realizing it, senior projects due, science fair, your best friend snuggling up to her boyfriend and reminding you…you can’t snuggle up to yours because he’s four friggin hours away.  You know little shit like that  That was sarcasm, I recognize it now!  Anyway,  Em and I had a really great day that day, we had figured as long as we we’re going to go clear across the state for the crazy train we might as well do something fun.  So by the time we get to the docs for the recital mentioned above we we’re both doing fine.  Here it is…the funny part I mean, after all this, and a few laughs on our part that made her laugh she says    “You are the happiest suicidal person I’ve ever met.” 

HER RECOMMENDATIONS; THAT WE WILL FOLLOW TO THE LETTER.

1. A complete physical including a thyroid check to rule out that kind of imbalance.
   
2. Back on birth control, in case it’s hormonal.
   
3. Continued counseling, because, hey everyone needs a sounding board.
   
4. 
   
   Give it three weeks and then see how she feels about school.  There and Here!
   
   
5. 
   
   Possibly anti-depressants if none of that works.

So that’s where we are.  I want to say this at the end of my little blog.  I may sound fine now, but when the school called and I had to make that drive I was frightened, sad, disbelieving, confused, worried.  So many things.  The whole week has been surreal.  Em has had some good days, but then she’s home with absolutely no pressure on her to do anything, her safe place, the comfort zone.  I know i’m going to drive her crazy calling all the time but I also know I won’t be able to quit with the wanting to make sure she’s okay.  Whatever it was that triggered those thoughts is still down there and I can’t make that go away.