Having a family crisis….I will post when I can.  In the meantime send happy xanga thought this direction, because at this point it can’t hurt!

Overreacting and other OVER words:

Have you ever had something happen to you and you overreact.  You know you are overreacting and yet somehow you just can’t stop yourself.  Here are some other OVER words.

overwork:A wonderful little ditty that the entire population worldwide has taken on as it’s theme music.

overcompensate:That terrific little thing that makes me try to do everything for everyone at the exspense of everything else. As in:You needed that done tomorrow, let me do that NOW!  See i’m not defective in anyway!

overkill:You need that mosquito killed….let me get my CANNON.   (this goes hand in hand with overreact)

overwhelmed:Life on a day to day basis!   For most people….don’t lie you know it’s you too!!!

overextend, overexspose, overestimate, oversensitive, look at all the wonderful over words.  okay I know I overreacted.  Just can’t help myself sometimes!

SPAIN!!! You Totally Awesome place you!!!

     I Remember landing at the airport.  (After a VERY long, thankfully, uneventful flight.)  It was strange to me because it was the first time a plane didn’t pull right up to the terminal.  Everyone de-planed (odd word)on the side of the runway and then got onto a shuttle.  What surprised and alarmed me more than a little were all the soldiers with machine guns and rifles.  The shuttle took us to the terminal where we went through customs, and walked by more armed men.  Finally you get into the main terminal, more armed men, and yeah there’s Barry.  PHEW!  Can we get the hell out of here and what’s with all the soldiers? (Basque terrorist threats) 

     All I wanted to do was sleep, but some yahoo had told Barry that if he kept me awake until dark that I would adjust better to the time change and have less jet lag.  So we went to a 4th of July picnic, where I got to meet fifty people while in a seriously impaired state of mind.  (For months after people would know me and I wouldn’t have a clue where I met them.)   We didn’t have a house.  So we stayed at an Air Force motel even though we weren’t military.  Wasn’t that nice of the Air Force?  That was the longest, part of the whole house search.  Barry went to work fairly early since he and the whole crew had to drive clear across Madrid to get there, while I laid around and watched armed forces tv.  Can you say boring!  It was during this period of time that I started smoking again after a full year of being quit. 

     We had left Al and Em with my sister, I knew they were fine, but my mom overdrive wouldn’t quit.  I was constantly trying to call which was hard as hell because of the time difference.  That and the fact that I had no transportation so I had to take a bus through foreign territory to get to a phone.  Plus it cost SIX DOLLARS a minute to call.  So between the incredible boredom and being worried so much over nothing.  I started smoking again!  I know…what a dumbass.

back to the story:

We finally ended up renting a condo next door to Barrys’ boss.  (That turned out to be a godsend, his wife and I became really close.)  It was in a suburb of Madrid about 30 min. from Torrejon air force base and about thirty min. by bus from downtown Madrid.  So even though it was way to big for what we needed and cost way to much($1000), we took it.

       During this time we also bought a little Ford hatchback.  Not pretty, but very dependable.  Before we left the United States both of us had gotten an international driving license.  The Spanish wanted us to get a Spanish license so we did that too.  The class consisted of a 120 question test and a whole day of memorizing signs.(I heard later they made it easier)  None of the European signs have writing on them, very handy since I didn’t read Spanish.  I was positive I was going to fail miserably and totally humiliate the entire American contigent.  I PASSED!  (And before I ever left Spain I agreed totally with the signs.  Who needs writing, it just confuses people.)  I was ready to drive!  Yeah right!  Did I mention the driving.  To this day I think there is a law in Spain that I don’t know about that says you are legally obligatd to pass EVERY car ahead of you reagardless of the speed needed to pass said cars.  These people live and drive at full tilt boogie every day.  Usually 136 kph  which is about 85 mph.  Six lanes bumper to bumper.  This is like driving 55mph for most Spaniards.  They will also go in reverse down on ramps if they’ve takin’ a wrong exit!  I spent most of my time in the car praying NOT to die in Spain and if I did please ship the body home for burial. 

     The kids Finally got to come to Spain on Allies’ 8th Birthday.  Aug 19th.  I had been without my babies for six weeks.  Man was I happy.  My sis came with them and so we planned on doing all kinds of fun things.  The possibilities were endless for the sheer amount of things to do.  Traveling around was just the beginning.  First I had to get them through the jet lag.  Kids being kids they didn’t take more than a day.  Sister on the other hand went straight to bed and didn’t get up for three days.  It nearly drove me crazy.  Then when she did get up all she wanted to do was go back to the states to be with her no account boyfriend.  To this day I think she blew a wonderful opportunity.  Though we did get to go some places and have some fun before she left. 

When we get together next time I’ll tell you about our first trip into Madrid on our own.Talk about TOURISTS!!!!

WORK IN GENERAL

I tried to quit my job today.  It didn’t work out.  Somehow I ended up leaving with two weeks off and an agreement that if in two weeks I still felt the same then I could quit.  I’m not going to say i’m 100% positive that I will quit in two weeks but right now i’m a lot like IVORY soap 99 and 44/100% sure instead of pure.  (I haven’t been able to lay claim to the pure title in to many years to count)

WHAT DEPRESSES ME

I went to one of the sites I read.  One of my favorites!  She got more comments and e-props for saying she wasn’t going to blog today, than I have had all week.  I feel like such a LOSER sometimes. 

WHAT PLEASES ME

That when I poured out all my jealous feelings and hurt, and when I felt my worst, you all said some very nice things.   Even though none of you have kids, so you can’t really know what it’s like till you do, you still have empathy and sympathy.  I find that VERY cool. 

WHAT REMINDS ME IT WILL BE OKAY

My husband, he grounds me in a better place.  He reminds me what’s truly important. (that’s why I tried to quit my job today)  Now if I could just get grounded, as in you’re grounded young lady.  Maybe I would get some rest. 

WHAT I FIND KIND OF COOL

For years people have thought I am younger than I really am.  I give all the credit for that to the company I keep.  You can think what you want about teenagers, I find they are some of the classiest people I know.  With a lot more intelligence and creativity than the “adults” think.  As for all out, guns blazing, “want me to kick their ass” support, there is really no one better than a teenager.  I guess it’s all that pent up passion.  And yes the, want me to kick their ass, should be in quotes.  A very nice young man made that offer just the other day.  CHIVALRY IS NOT DEAD, IT JUST MORPHED.

If a tree falls…..

If life were the way we wanted it, would we just get so greedy and unbearable to each other we would be miserable anyway…or would we finally have everything we wanted and so there would be no jealousy or anger toward our fellow man?  If I have EVERYTHING I want and you have EVERYTHING you want, are we finally happy?  Maybe it’s like THE MATRIX  they tried perfect…whole crops were lost.  Are we all searching for the same thing?  When do you know the search is over?  I found a couple of perfect……..now i’m looking for something else.  When are we satisfied?  If I am truly satisfied will I die that day? 

So on this note….

I have thought a lot about this, and whether I should write it down here.  Here on Xanga, where you are supposed to be able to write anything because of the anonymous factor.  This place where most people don’t know you, but where over two thirds of my subscribers DO know me personally, and two of them I gave birth to.  I have for that reason usually used a self-edit button to not emotionally scar you too badly.  In this case maybe I am the one emotionally scarred.  So for right or wrong, good or bad this is how I feel and have felt.  So hang on, here it comes!

WHEN YOUR CHILDREN AREN’T BORN PERFECT (and your jealous and hurt  for them)

      When I was in high school  all my liberated girlfriends had aspirations of college and careers.  I remember clearly Tam asking me what I wanted to do after high school.  I said I want to have kids.  I have a maternal instinct that’s been in overdrive for 3 decades.  So when I met my Bear I got really lucky.  Love and he wanted kids.  So we had two, girls.  Both born healthy.  I thought I had died and gone to heaven.  I am so IN LOVE with these three people.  This is always how it starts, LOVE!

       Every parent I know is at one time or another jealous for their kid.  They either didn’t make the squad, or they aren’t as smart as the next kid.  You always want the very best for your child, you want them to be the smartest, prettiest etc.  So when they aren’t you get over it and move on, maybe, we hope.  Though in my case and the case of my best friend (hereafter known as bf) we do occasionally give in to the urge to totally trash the other kid.  You know what I mean if you have kids.  For those who don’t it’s when you dissect all the reasons they should have chosen your kid over the other kid who is obviously not as good as your own.

     My bf has a perfect daughter. (call her K)  I don’t mean she got straight As or anything as mundane as that.  I mean cheerleader, volleyball team, homecoming princess four year in a row, popular beyond belief with everyone.  So pretty that when she had her senior portraits done two years ago, they still, to this day have a 2X4 foot picture of her hanging in the studio.  Not a snobby bone in this girls body, unless you absolutely deserve it.  She’s funny, goofy, sweet, generous and I have loved her since the day I met her when she was only three.  This is the kind of kid who invites jealousy without meaning to by just being who she is naturally.  So of course love or not, best friend or not, I have been a little jealous for my kids…I want them to have all that too.  They don’t!  In most cases they didn’t even care, but I did, it’s just the way I am.  Neither of them ever really expressed interest in sports, and if they wanted to be in the homecoming court they sure never said anything.  My oldest used to get really mad at K when they we’re in elementry school because she stole all her boyfriends.  But luckily by the time high school rolled around she quit that stuff.  To this day we, as families, remain so close that we spend Christmas together.  And a birthday wouldn’t be complete without the four of them, with the four of us.  So close in fact bf and I planned for her oldest boy, J to marry my oldest girl A.  Pipe dream there and we knew it even then.(they were really little.)

     This is where it gets touchy since both of my kids read this and I don’t want tears, hurt feelings, or omg you raided me on Xanga!! and i’m emotionally scarred and embarassed for life!!

     Enter puberty:  Maybe it would be more correct to say insanity!  BFs son and daughter and my youngest,  slid into puberty with the grace of a pack of ravening hyenas.    J, the only boy, started smoking, drinking, dating and running around with the stoners.  Not exactly sure what order that happened in.  K and my youngest E both started their periods around the same time.   So every boy in the county followed them around like they were in heat.  K immediately hooked up with a guy that I will forever call weenie boy.  I didn’t think he was good enough for her then and I haven’t changed my mind yet.  E, always the smart one of the bunch, laid low and kept her grades up.  I didn’t know it then but the kid had plans to “blow this place” as young as eleven.  The emotional ups and downs had enough energy to power a small city.  Through it all,  A, our oldest girl, had all the sign and symptoms of puberty and none of the periods.  So that was kind of cool for a while.  You know, no mess or bother,  but by 13 a nagging worry started instead.  I just couldn’t shake the thought that something wasn’t quite right  I asked the doc about it, he said I shouldn’t worry since two of my sisters and my mother had started relatively late.  two at 16 and a sis at 17.   I questioned a different doctor when she turned 15, same thing.  This time he said if she hasn’t started by 16 bring her in for an exam.  Meantime, she had pms from hell all month since it was all pre and no menstrual.  We called her Katie Kaboom because you never knew what would set her off.   Raging hormones and emotional highs and lows that a manic depressive would be proud of.  Finally 16 rolled around.  I made an appointment at the doctor,  after the exam she recommended that I take her to a gyno.   She rattled off a list of possible things that could be wrong and thought it would be wise to take a closer look.  (ya think!!!) I was so aggravated. 

     Off to a new doctor, half the women in this town go to him, he’s just that good.  He took a look and ordered an ultrasound.  Said he might have seen something on her ovaries.  So they took a look and guess what, there are lots of things on her ovaries.  cysts, big ones, little ones, and every in between one.  Among the many things told to us that day, and man there was a bunch, the one thing that sticks out in my mind is this:  SHE WILL PROBABLY NOT BE ABLE TO CONCIEVE NATURALLY.  So spread among all the instruction and an afternoon of information, my mind is whirling with the news that my daughter will likely have a very hard time getting pregnant.  In fact my daughter may not EVER get pregnant.  And while at sixteen this doesn’t bother her too badly, i’m thinking ahead to the years when it will. 

    Confession:  I cried for three days.  I cried because she wasn’t perfect anymore.  I cried because I knew something was wrong and no one would listen to me.  I cried because I was scared of all the things this could and can lead to, like diabetes, or heart attack. I cried because I wanted to take this from her and couldn’t.   Most of all I cried because I knew that someday her friends would be having babies and she, who is the most maternal of them all, wouldn’t be able to.

FULL CIRCLE  Now here we are today, four and a half years later and once again I am jealous on behalf of my child.  K, the sweetest and most popular, is going to have a baby.  I am thrilled for K and boyfriend, I am heartbroken for my daughter.  The perfect child I held in my arms and promised to take care of forever.  I can’t protect her and I can’t kiss it and make it better.  One of her best friends is going to have what she’s been trying to have for over a year.  I don’t see it getting any easier either.  I see many friends and many babies in the future.  I see A trying month after month, and swallowing her own disappointment, so she can be happy for her friends.  I hear my daughter E and her boyfriend talking about having four kids of their own someday and know that it could be an easy reality.  That too makes me happy sad.  I cry once again for my daughter, because she was born PERFECT… wasn’t she?

     HELLO GRANDPA

     Well, my husband is an official grandpa!  My daughters are Aunts and now I can go from being the wicked step-bitch…oops mom…to being step-grandmom.  How fast nine months go when it’s not you carrying the baby.  She had a boy as expected.  Everything went well and mom and baby are healthy and fine.  He weighed in at 6lbs. 10 oz.  and is 18 and3/4″ long.  So he’s itty bitty.  Congratulations Grandpa  And congratulations to mom, dad and son!

     The dragon is me!  If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you haven’t commented lately.  I’m still smoke free, yay me!  Still haven’t eaten the wallpaper, and I haven’t traumatized my kid in days.  Sorry Al.  I still love my ol’ man, who is also still smoke free!  Are we crazy or brave?  Quitting at the same time?  We could have perfect reasons for committing homicide.  Just kidding, I swear!!!  I have noticed some very odd things.  I thought everything would taste SSOOO much better…instead everything leaves the most vile taste in my mouth.  I can’t stand coffee, gum, pepsi, certain foods.  AND THE SMELLS!!!  oh my god!!!  I sure did not expect everything to smell so bad, and so strong!  What is up with that?  I would love some former smoker to tell me that this will all pass.  That I will eat normally and smell things normally again, soon!                                            (my quit date Jan. 2nd 2003)

     You know what is really nice?  The Aimee Mann cd that I am listening to as I type away.  Timah, thank you again!  It is the most enjoyed present I’ve gotten in a long time.  Maybe it’s music to soothe the savage beast.

     I need a really good code person to come to the house and walk me step by step through some of these computer things.  Are there any volunteers?  I don’t want you to do it for me…I want to be taught how to do it myself.  It would more than likely be a walk in the park for most of you.

      Will post more later!  Indie

This is not random

If I say call me and you think to yourself…you know I really should call her and find out what’s been going on in her life since I haven’t heard from her…if you think this…even for a nano second…then pick up the phone and call me.  Or come over. 

I haven’t been able to get near the computer since bfore Christmas,  so I’m too far behind to update now…however I have been thinking on and off about the little difference of opinion a co-worker and I had…let’s see what my one faithful reader thinks.

First the setup: Chuckles, as I will call him to protect his anon status…is a self-confessed whore.  He will go to bed with anything that moves and is willing.  Now he admits this freely, so I’m not dissing him behind his back…YET!  He also, is a 38 yr. old with glasses and a mullet.  Did I mention the little pot belly?  Not your typical chick magnet.  However, he does have a great personality,  so he’s alot of fun to be around because if he’s not laughing, he’s making you laugh.  I am the first to admit  that can be appealing.

Now for me:  I’m 4 yrs. older than he is,  my hair and figure are better though.  I, too wear glasses,  but not outdated ones like his.  (So I should get bonus points for that)   I still have guys try to pick me up…even though I’ve got a huge gold band on my left hand.  My kids tell me I have a great smile and beautiful hair.  If you can’t trust your kids…no don’t answer that.  Leave me with some illusions

Here’s the argument…

Chuckles claims that in a 24 hour period of time he could get randomly laid more than I could.  I say any woman could get laid more than any guy just because she’s female.  Or as a friend put it  “A guy has to talk his way into bed…a girl has to get into bed.”  Who’s right and who has the mullet?

I can’t believe I forgot all about this…I QUIT SMOKING!!!  Of course it’s only been one week but hey..kudos to me for not having ran over anyone, or beat the crap out of random idiots.  I haven’t even ate the wallpaper yet…of course i’ve eaten everything else so maybe that’s next.  Okay, I admit I have been a tad cranky and irritable.  In my own defence I must point out again…I have not beat the crap out of anyone.  Threats don’t count do they??