February 21, 2006
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To my unhappy friend.
I remembered a quote I had heard a long time ago and then re-read just
the other day. It goes like this. "The most important thing a
father can do for his children is love their mother." Theodore Hesburgh
said it. He should have maybe said also "the reverse is true for
mothers". I said that, but I'm sure its nothing someone smarter hasn't
said before and I don't expect the encyclopedia to start quoting me
now. There are all kinds of things implied in that quote
that aren't said, such as in
this deep love he feels for the mother of his children will be
respect, understanding, kindness, tolerance, empathy, support,
etc. Lots of virtues that people now want from others but
aren't willing to share of themselves. It is also implied that
these things that are in
this love felt for mom will also be felt exponentially towards the
kids. Yes, Mr. Hesburgh in an ideal world. I think June
Cleaver had it in spades. Ward was quite the man wasn't he?I read it all the time right here in these pages the disrespect said
publicly toward ones spouse and it confuses me because I have such a
deep respect and love for my own husband. I have some of these
virtues so tied up in my head that I'm not really sure where one starts
and one ends. But I have always wondered at the reasons a person
would or could stay with another person that they did not
respect or love. Some of it I'm sure is just blowing off steam and some
of it I am equally sure is downright unhappiness. But in the 24
years I've been married I know you "reap what you sow". How can you plant peas and expect watermelon to grow?
I
also know that what you focus on is what is important to you. So
if you don't show and focus on the virtues that you want to see in your
relationships then after awhile you won't have them, a relationship
survives on positive reenforcement and can founder on negativity. And
you may
find yourself looking back and wondering what you ever saw in this man
or woman And honestly everyone around you will wonder the same
thing because all they ever hear you say sbout your spouse is negative
and then we wonder why such a smart, fun bright person is tied to such
a toad.
Comments (8)
I definately agree! I'm so glad that you guys lurve each other so much! smooches and hugs to you and daddy both!
~allie
Sounds like common sense, but so few people seem to know this. Good post!
I love this post! It is so true...I always remind friends, who are going through relationship difficulties, to remember the day they said i do and then build on that feeling.
RYGuest BookC: Yaaay!
There are so many responses I could give to this, but they are all pretty personal. I agree to a point with what you are saying here. Sometimes it's hard to stay the course when the person you live with is practically unrecognizable compared to the one you said "i do" to so many years ago.
My first thought when reading this was "Oh my! Am I the 'unhappy friend'?" Yes, I take everything I read on Xanga personally.
Seriously, though, I agree somewhat with LittleVlahGirl. Sometimes you plant peas expecting peas and instead you get nothing ... just a barren wasteland. Sometimes people find themselves stuck and need the support and encouragement of others to see the light and get unstuck. For some, Xanga is a "safe" place to find that support and encouragement ... a place to share feelings and get feedback.
I've gone back and forth on this one myself. There have been times when I have wanted to just spill everything that's in my head, but I hesitate for the very reasons you have shared here ...out of respect for others who are involved. However, another part of me feels that this is my space and I shouldn't have to wear a happy facade or hide my feelings when I'm unhappy just for decorum's sake. I spend too much time in the "real world" doing just that ... afraid to taint anyone's opinions of another. And so I sit alone in my head ... and wish that there were a place where I could safely invite someone inside my head to get their opinion and find out if I really am as crazy as I think I am.
Thanks for the thought-provoking post!
like I've told my brothers... I only know your women from what you tell me about them... so if I think one's stupid or one puts on airs-- you should really think about the what you've told me to make me come to this conclusion...
which translates to: I so agree with you!
I totally agree that you should put whatever you want on your own page. But I will say this I have seen people totally trash someone for blogs on end and then get upset when other people start saying nasty things too. I understand the old "I can say what I want, but everyone else keep their mouth shut" idea, but if that is the idea then just say so. I'm sure everyone will respect that. I would never advocate someone shutting down their feelings just to please a bunch of strangers on the web.
The other idea raised here is what I call different growth. Or to put it another way you both planted but one planted carrots and one planted beans. oops! (I bet you think I'm hungry, lol) I can see where that would make your partner unrecognizable. That is a whole nother ball of wax. A completely separate problem from love, respect or any of the others. If that is the problem then showing the virtues described above certainly won't hurt but I don't necessarily think they will magically fix anything.(magic would be nice wouldn't it?) If you don't have a partner willing to communicate, I mean listen as well as speak honestly, and then follow through to fix the problem, then I have no idea what you would need to do under those circumstances.
too bad we can't say to those people who get all upset when we finally start agreeing with what they've been telling us over and over again abour whoever/whatever (fill in: spouse, lover, roomie, parent)-- "If I'm gonna be your sounding board-- don't be too surprised when I occasionally start echoing what you've said."
because eventually, it'll be that, or I'm gonna start thinking (but not necessarily saying), "Well, then you're about a dumbass for putting up with that shit, aren't ya? Maybe it's you and not ______, after all."
~ but what do we really know anyway?
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